


The War at Home

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-17
Updated: 2011-10-17
Packaged: 2017-10-24 17:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The times he’d come home during his tours, it had been a blessing.  Now it just seemed like something ominous…the calm before the storm.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The War at Home

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: I was walking to the Chinese store when the first scene came to me. By the time I got back home most of what I wanted for this story was already in my mind. Everything I learned about the Marines is from movies, TV, secondheartbeat, and Wikipedia just so you know. If it’s inaccurate it’s entirely my fault and I take the responsibility.
> 
> Author’s Note 2: This is not the usual Hotch/Prentiss I write but these characters wanted their story told as well. There are dark themes and moments in this story but I'm appreciative of the journey I took with these two characters.

  
**JUNE 2009**   


“Daddy!”

His mother tried to grab him but the child cared little about pomp, circumstance, or decorum. All he knew was that his father was close by and he couldn’t even remember the last time he saw him. He was only four, didn’t have a real sense of time anyway. Except that it had been forever since Daddy had been home with them. The last time was right before his baby sister was born. She was walking and talking now so it was forever.

“Daddy!”

His father looked up when he heard the voice but there were so many people around he wasn’t sure if he heard it at all. There were a lot of daddies out there today, all trying to find their families in the throngs of people waiting to welcome the soldiers home. He’d like to think that he knew his son’s voice but could count on one hand the number of times he’d seen him since he came into the world almost five years ago. Maybe he didn’t even know who his father was.

“Jack?” his voice was tentative.

“Daddy!” he shouted as loud as he could to be heard over everyone else. Waving his arms as he ran, he knew his father finally saw him. The smile on his face was huge and Jack’s matched it as his father crouched down and he ran straight into his open arms. “Welcome home Daddy!”

“Oh my God, look at you.” Aaron Hotchner stood with his son in his arms. “You are so big…when did you get so big?”

“I drink lots of milk so I can be big and strong like you.”

“You…I'm speechless. Wow Jack,” Hotch hugged him close. “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too Daddy. You're gonna stay home now, right?”

“I don't know, Jack. I don’t like leaving you but I have an important job to do out there.”

“Get a job here.” Jack replied.

That caused a little laughter amongst his men. Hotch tried to give them a stern look but he was so delighted to have his son in his arms that he couldn’t pull it off. Derek Morgan came over and rustled the kid’s hair.

“You can keep him, buddy, none of us would mind at all.”

“Hey Uncle Derek!”

“What’s happening, Jackrabbit! High five!”

Jack high-fived the pilot wearing a big grin. He knew Uncle Derek well. He was a soldier like Daddy and sometimes came to visit them when Daddy was away. He gave Jack a fighter plane for him to put together last Christmas when he came home from the desert. Daddy didn’t make it home but Jack was able to talk to him over the computer. It wasn’t quite the same. Mommy cried later but she let Jack sleep with her that night.

“C'mon Daddy, lets go find Mommy and Natty. We all came to welcome you home.”

“Mommy?” Hotch could hardly utter the word.

He dreamed of her practically every night he was away. This tour, which was his third, had been the most difficult. They were all hard. Hotch was out there fighting a hidden, dangerous enemy. He had the lives of hundreds of men in his hands and all the civilians around them.

Yet at home his family had to do without him. And they had been doing without him for five years. He was there for the birth of his son but missed the birth of his daughter. He didn’t know the last time he had a real conversation with his wife. He missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, and random Tuesday pizza nights.

The only time he saw her smile was in photographs and the occasional Skype conversation. The whole world went on while he was at war. Hotch knew he wasn’t the only soldier feeling like that today as he watched families reunite all around him. How could the thought of seeing her, touching her, be just as frightening as it was exhilarating?

“C'mon Daddy, lets go.” Jack’s voice went up an octave. Hotch was surprised to remember that meant he was being tough.

“OK buddy, we’re going.”

He turned to his men and saluted them. Jack did the same and then the men saluted their leader.

“Oorah!” Hotch exclaimed.

“Oorah!”

Smiling, he turned to walk away. It was time to find his wife and mother-in-law. His stomach was churning and Hotch couldn’t believe how nervous he was. He’d faced firefights, insurgents, suicide bombers, and IEDs.

Yet he was nervous about seeing a 5’8” woman who was surely going to be as happy as the little boy he was holding in his arms. The base was crowded, ridiculously crowded, and they struggled through the people. Many wanted to shake Hotch’s hand, give him their love, and take photos. He did his best to be accommodating but he wanted to see his wife.

“Aaron!”

He heard the voice and it stopped him in his tracks. Taking a deep breath, Hotch turned and saw her. She was just a few yards away. He could almost reach out and touch her. Time seemed to stop.

He didn’t hear the noise around them anymore; he heard nothing. He saw nothing but his wife, who was holding their daughter in her arms. He hadn't seen her since she was a few weeks old and she was almost two. How much had he missed? He’d missed more than could ever be measured.

But he couldn’t think of that as his wife ran into his arms. Hotch swore he was never going to let her go again. He inhaled deeply, smelling the Sheer Veil that was quintessentially Emily. There was nothing like that in Kabul. Nothing came close to the smell of his wife, the feel of her; Hotch could hardly believe this was real.

“Daddy’s home!” Jack exclaimed, breaking the sweet silence of the moment.

“I know sweetheart.” Emily caressed her husband’s face.

“Why are you crying, Mommy?”

“These are tears of happiness, Jack. Aren't you happy that Daddy’s home?”

“Yeah!”

Hotch wiped her tears away and kissed her for the first time in a year and a half. So many soldiers got to go home during their tours but a lot of officers sacrificed their time with family to keep morale of the ground troops up. Hotch was one of those officers. He was a Lieutenant Colonel, surely to be promoted to Colonel in the near future. The goal in Afghanistan was to keep his guys alive and the Taliban at bay. He wasn’t always successful in either; there had been some losses.

But most of his guys were back home with him today. The large majority would be going back sometime in the near future. Honestly Hotch prayed that he wasn’t one of them. He’d done his bid for Corps and Country; he was a Marine until he died. Hotch believed if he went back to Afghanistan again his luck would run out.

In his last few weeks there he had the same dream. Emily was standing at an airport dressed in all black, their children at her side. They were bringing the coffins off the plane, all draped in American flags, and his little boy saluted them one by one. Hotch would wake in a cold sweat and started secretly marking the days until he was on a plane back to his family. He hardly knew them, he could admit that, but this was his chance to be a husband again and father for the very first time.

“You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.” He whispered, kissing her again.

“I bet you say that to all the girls.” Emily managed to smile.

She was so nervous about today. Hotch had been gone for the better part of five years. He’d done three tours of duty during that time. Two of his tours had been in Iraq and this last one in Afghanistan. He’d been attacked, shot at, and lost soldiers all around him.

When he did come home it was tense sometimes, and all too short. Emily wasn’t sure what to expect but didn’t want to think about it at the moment. He was there, in her arms, holding their son and looking at their daughter with such love in his eyes. Everything else, and there would surely be more, could wait. Right now they deserved this loving reunion.

“Can we just go home?” she asked.

“I wish.” Hotch replied. “I have to report for a debriefing.”

He put Jack down on the ground, taking the cap from his head and putting it on his son’s. Then he took a moment to hug his little girl, who didn’t know him from Adam. Luckily she seemed receptive to his affection. After that, he kissed and hugged Emily’s stepmother. Over the next week or so there would be a lot of reunions. Hotch wasn’t sure how all of them would go but he was looking forward to many of them.

“When will you be home?” she asked.

“It’ll probably be a few hours. God, I've missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Aaron. There's…” Emily stopped. Yes, there was so much to say but she didn’t know the words. Even if she did she wasn’t sure how to say them. Emily cleared her throat. “You should probably go now. We’ll talk later.”

“Don’t go Daddy!” Jack exclaimed, bursting into tears. “Don’t leave us.”

“Jack,” Hotch crouched down so he could be the same height as his son. He put his hands on the little boy’s shoulders. “I'm not leaving you. I just have to go and talk to my bosses and then I'm coming home. I'm not leaving, I promise.”

“Can I come with you, Daddy?” he sniffled. “Please?”

“I'm afraid you can't come with me. But I'm home now so there are gonna be so many places we go together.”

“Do you promise?”

“Cross my heart; I promise. You go home now with Mommy and Natty. I’ll be there soon.”

“We’re going to have pizza tonight.” Jack perked up a little.

“That’s my favorite.”

“I know, and it'll have pepperonis just like you like it Daddy.”

“That sounds fantastic. Gimme another big hug before I go.”

Jack threw his arms around his father and held on tight. Hotch kissed him, succeeding in holding back the tears. He knew they would come and there would be a time when nothing would hold them back. Now wasn’t that time. He stood, straightening his uniform before saluting his son. Jack smiled, saluting him back.

“Don’t forget your cap Daddy.”

“No buddy, that’s for you to keep.”

“For real.” Jack’s big brown eyes got even wider.

“Absolutely. Look after Mommy and Bree till I get back, OK?”

“Yes sir.”

Emily smiled, reaching down for her son’s hand. She blew Hotch a kiss but looked away as he walked off. She didn’t want to see him leave again. He was only going to Quantico to be debriefed; she was used to that. Soon he would be back in her arms. If Emily Prentiss-Hotchner had her way he would never leave them again. Unfortunately, not much had gone her way in the past five years.

“C'mon, sweetie, its time to go home.” She said, pulling Jack along as she carried Bree. Natalie walked beside her as they made their way through all the reuniting friends and family to their SUV in the packed parking lot.

***

“Oh God, oh God, fuck, yeah, yeah, ohhh good God!”

Hotch closed his eyes as he thrust his way to climax. He found it so hard to look at his wife and that tore him apart inside. As he fucked her he thought about the whores in Kabul. It had never been his intention to end up there but there were times when he had no choice. There was such loss and devastation; times when Hotch truly considered putting his gun in his mouth.

He knew he wouldn’t do it, couldn’t, but he needed to get out of the darkness. So he went to the whores. He took it out on them. Hotch would never hurt another human being, and surely not a woman, but they could take what he had to give. And then he was able to live again, breathe, until the next time the darkness overtook him.

“Aaron…” Emily gripped his hips as her back arched.

This wasn’t sweet and romantic. It didn’t feel wonderful like it used to. Yes, sometimes they liked to fuck, what couple didn’t. But when they played their games they always played together. Tonight Emily felt like she could have been any woman and gotten the same treatment. He hardly touched her and when the tears came they weren't from rapture, they were from resignation.

Hotch came with a roar and then rolled off his wife. He lay in the darkness; eyes still closed, and didn’t even touch her. He just lay there, still as a statue, breathing. He could still hear the helicopters, the bullets, and the shouts of his fellow soldiers.

He knew it was all in his head; Woodley Park was quiet tonight. Woodley Park was always quiet. Hotch wasn’t sure if he would be able to stand the quiet. The times he’d come home during his tours, it had been a blessing. Now it just seemed like something ominous…the calm before the storm.

Emily turned on her side and looked at him. He was lying there as if he were dead. He wasn’t dead, he was alive and he was home. She just had no idea how much of him was left behind in the desert. It was only his first night back; she planned to give her husband the benefit of the doubt.

This wasn’t going to be an easy transition and they both knew it. Emily just wasn’t sure how much time was enough time. If it was still weird in six weeks should she be concerned? What about six months? Would Hotch return to work, throw himself into that, and remain an absentee husband and father? Would he love his children or continue to look at them as adorable strangers?

And how was he looking at her? Emily knew that whatever just happened in their bedroom was not Hotch and Emily. If this was what she had to look forward to then she was ready to throw in the towel right now. No, she needed to stop thinking that way. Not even sure it was the best idea; Emily put her hand on Hotch’s chest. She placed it over his heart…felt it thumping in his chest.

He tensed when he felt her hands on him but it only took a moment to relax under her touch. Her touch had always been a comfort, now was no different. While he still felt so distant from her, from them, the warmth of her touch gave Hotch hope. He knew he had a long way to walk until he was back with his family. His body was there right now but that was it.

There was much to do and figure out over the next couple of weeks. He was happy to come home tonight and find no one there but his wife and children. Emily told him it had been hard to keep family and friends at bay but she knew it was for the best right now. She warned him though; she planned a small barbecue for next Sunday.

People missed him; they wanted to see for themselves that he was alright. Hotch didn’t know if he was alright though; didn’t know if he ever would be. That didn’t mean life wouldn’t go on. It had, and it was, even if he hadn't been there. There was a part of him that didn’t feel like he was there now.

“Aaron,”

“Don’t.” the word barely came out of his suddenly constricted throat.

“Don’t what?” Emily asked.

“Don’t speak.” He whispered.

She wanted to ask him what the hell that was. But Emily said nothing. She didn’t want to fight on his first night back home. How dare he tell her not to speak after he just fucked her as if she was nothing more than a common whore? Maybe that’s what he’d been doing in Kabul and Baghdad. Emily hardly wanted to think about it.

If that ball started rolling down the hill it would quickly grow and she wouldn’t be able to control it. Instead she moved her hand from his chest and got out of bed. If he didn’t want her to speak then she wouldn’t speak. Emily threw her tee shirt and panties on, leaving the bedroom to check on the children. Both Jack and Sabrina were sound asleep.

Their mother spent a few minutes looking at their peaceful faces. She just hoped that whatever happened while she and Hotch adjusted to his return didn’t affect them too much. Maybe one day in the future this would be a distant memory. Emily hated what this war did to families.

She didn’t really agree with any of it but kept her mouth shut. Hotch was military; he was from a military family. When she fell in love with him he was already training himself and others for combat. She knew they would be here eventually…and here they were.

Emily made her way downstairs. The kitchen was a bit of a mess so she tried to burn off some energy by straightening up. She put the leftover pizza in the refrigerator, recycled the boxes, and wiped everything down. She cleaned the coffeemaker and prepared it for the morning. She filled the teakettle with water, putting it on the stove to boil.

Tea would calm her nerves enough to sleep. Emily opened the sliding glass door to bring in the cool night air. Then she grabbed her box of cloves from the kitchen drawer and lit one. Inhaling deeply, she leaned against the wall.

It had been a few days since she smoked and it made her feel a little high. While the family prepared for Hotch’s homecoming, Emily ran around like a chicken with her head cut off. Tonight was the first night she could settle down except she felt anything but settled. She smoked her clove and drank some chamomile tea, figuring she would settle enough to go to sleep.

In the bedroom Emily was surprised to find the bed empty. Hotch was gone. She looked in the bathroom but he couldn’t be in there because the light was off. Emily checked anyway and found it empty.

A part of her wanted to search for him but there was another part of her that thought it was a bad idea. Instead Emily slipped back between the sheets alone. It wasn’t as if she hadn't grown used to sleeping alone over the years. Tonight would be another night in five years of lonely nights. Perhaps there was hope for tomorrow.

***

Hotch looked up at the cloudy sky as he sipped his beer. He’d survived the Welcome Home barbecue. This wasn’t easy since his mother wanted to hang all over him. To prevent this as much as he could, Hotch held on to one or both of his kids for almost the entire time. He knew Emily didn’t want to overwhelm him but at least 25 people came to welcome him back to DC.

Two of those guests were his former sister-in-law Jessie and her husband, his best friend, Sam Kassmeyer. Sam had been with him on every tour since they were called up again. It was strange; when the men first met they didn’t know the other was a Marine. It was usually easy to tell but Sam was quiet and introspective in his private life. He was different in his job as a U.S. Marshal, which was how they met.

Hotch had been in the FBI for 12 years. Nine years ago, right before he met Emily, he was in Montana chasing a fugitive serial rapist. Sam was there as well, looking for the same guy. The two men, and other members of their teams, pooled their resources and decided to work together. By the time Terry Wayne Lincoln was apprehended, Hotch had a best friend for the first time in his life.

He was the one who introduced Sam to Jessie. He also pulled strings with some important people to make sure his brother-in-law and best friend was in his platoon when they were deployed. It was hard to keep a bloodhound in a war zone but they didn’t need one when they had Sam Kassmeyer with them. He could track Al Qaeda and the Taliban better than anyone Hotch ever met. It was during this last tour, just five months into their mission, that Sam and other members of their platoon were ambushed.

It started with a roadside bomb and culminated in an attack and rescue mission. Six people died that day; three of them Marines. Sam’s foot and knees were severely injured but he still managed to pull three of his brothers to safety. They were rescued and Sam was rushed to a hospital. It was the quick work of doctors that saved his legs and foot. He lost two fingers, had one reattached, and got two new knees.

He also won the Purple Heart for valor. Sam didn’t feel like a hero. There were six people he couldn’t save that day including two Marines, two Army guys, and a reporter named Jill Norris along with her cameraman. Sam hadn't even wanted the reporter with them but this was supposed to be a walk and talk. No one expected the danger to come.

Jill was a vet of the war just as much as the guys she was traveling with that day. She knew the dangers and this time the danger caught up with her. Hotch was devastated when they lost their guys, Jill, and almost lost Sam. It was then that he knew he had to get out of that hellhole alive and never look back. Now he was home and didn’t even know what to do.

“It'll take time to get used to.” Sam said, reading his thoughts.

The party had been over for a couple of hours; everyone had gone home. Emily only scheduled it for two hours. She thought anything more might overwhelm her husband. Sam knew that and he agreed it was a good idea. Hotch had only been home for nine days and it had been quiet but tense.

This was actually the first time the best friends were seeing each other face to face since Sam left for that deadly mission. There had been the occasional email and Skype conversation while Hotch was still over there. Mostly he wanted Sam to focus on his recovery and his family with Jessie and their three year old son, Michael.

“What's that?” Hotch asked, coming out of his head.

“Being back here will take getting used to. It was a different situation for me since I was recovering. I'm still recovering. I put a lot of my focus on that instead of how weird it feels sometimes.”

“How weird what feels?” Hotch asked.

“Simple things like my wife wanting to cuddle. I should love that, you know, I should be all over that. But I spent the better part of five years lying in a cot or a ditch or something. I'm really used to small spaces and that big bed with her in it…I couldn’t believe it but it can be scary sometimes.”

“I'm sleeping on the couch in the den.” Hotch replied.

“Jessie was sleeping in the guest room when I first came home from rehab. She didn’t want to inadvertently injure me. She was afraid to touch me, I was afraid to touch her; it was just surreal. Here’s a woman I couldn’t keep my hands off of from the moment I met her and I was literally afraid to touch her.”

“What did you do?”

“Its still a struggle sometimes but we never stop talking. I see my doctor; we also see a doctor together.”

“You're in marriage counseling?” Hotch’s tone was incredulous. “Your marriage is perfect.”

“Nothing is perfect.” Sam replied, finishing off his beer and trying to relax in the uncomfortable wrought iron chair. At least he was sitting on a couch pillow. “Yes, my marriage to Jessie was heaven for that first year and a half…we were newlyweds. And then I was gone. Life had to go on for her here and I was halfway around the world doing something else. When we were finally together again we had to integrate two lives into one.”

“You're OK, right?”

“We’re going to be fine. I love her so much and would never give up on what we have without a fight to the death. All I'm saying is that being back takes getting used to. She has her friends and the life she created while I was gone. She deserved that and I'm not going to take it away. I just want to be a part of it and that’s what we’re working towards.”

“How often do you see the shrink?” Hotch asked.

“I go once a week and Jessie and I go every other week.”

“What do you talk about there?” Hotch held his hand up. “Nevermind, I have no right to interfere in something so personal. I'm sorry.”

“So personal; you're my best friend for God’s sake. I wouldn’t even be with Jessie if it weren't for you.”

“I know but…”Hotch sighed. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”

Sam knew what that meant. It meant that Hotch didn’t want to talk about it. He wasn’t going to push him; he knew the first month was the hardest. Sam wanted to keep him talking though, even if it was something frivolous or small. If Hotch shut down it was going to be hell trying to get him back.

They were strong men and were going to get past the horrors of this war. But it would be foolish to assume that it wouldn’t take time. They were gone for five years with few breaks in between. It might take half that time to get reintegrated back into the family and community.

The guys who thought they could jump back in were disappointed quickly and sometimes never recovered. Then there were guys who were just damaged over there. PTSD, drug abuse, and some things bordering on war crimes came back to the States with a lot of soldiers. War is hell was putting it lightly.

“Hey,” Jessie came out onto the patio, smiling at her husband and brother-in-law. “I think its time to go, honey. You need to crash out on the couch.”

“That sounds perfect.”

Sam grabbed his braces and managed to stand with minimal pain or struggle. Hotch hated to see him like that but what was the alternative? At least he wasn’t going to Arlington to lay down flowers. Sam would survive what happened to him. Maybe eventually he wouldn’t need the braces. It had only been nine months; there was more recovery to come. Hotch stood as well and went over and embraced his best friend one more time.

“I'm glad to be home.” Hotch whispered. “I'm glad we’re all together again.”

“Me too, brother. I want it to stay that way.”

Hotch managed a small smile. He hugged and kissed Jessie, who he still considered his sister-in-law even though her sister Haley left him not long after he joined the FBI. They had been college sweethearts but she was tired of coming second, or even third, to his work. Hotch really took it on the chin when she walked out on him. He could hardly believe when he met Emily just six months later.

“Have a safe drive home.” Hotch said, going into the house with them. Emily and her stepmother Natalie were working on cleaning up the last of the party. There were more hugs and kisses before the Kassmeyers left.

“Call me.” Sam said. “I don’t care what time it is or if you feel like its silly. I'm always here for you.”

“Don’t you have enough going on?” Hotch asked.

“I don’t want you disappearing on me, Aaron. I mean that. I'm here, I'm your best friend, and I want to help if I can.”

“Yeah…OK.”

The smile Hotch tried to put on did nothing to make Sam feel better. He knew how hard that last tour was for Aaron. He feared it might even break him. The thing about Hotch was he had the greatest poker face known to man.

Who knew what was going on beneath the strong chin and the steely hazel eyes? He could be falling apart in the midst of having this conversation. Sam was going to do everything he could to help keep him afloat. Hotch would do the same for him in a similar situation.

After they left, Hotch said he wanted to take a walk.

“Do you want some company?” Emily asked.

“No, um,” Hotch shook his head. “I just want to clear my head. I don’t want you worrying but I’m gonna take a long walk.”

“Why don’t you just take a drive if you want to get away?” she wasn’t sure if the doubt and anger slipped into her voice.

Emily didn’t want to be upset but it was hard to have her husband avoid her so much. The only time he wasn’t was the times he fucked her over the last few nights. Then he would leave when he thought she was sleep and sleep on the couch. It was so damn demeaning.

Last night when he tried it, Emily told him to get off her. She’d meant to be nicer, didn’t want to cause friction, but she wasn’t going to take that anymore. Hotch actually tried again but she said no a little louder before asking him to leave. He left to sleep on the couch without any trouble.

“A walk would be better. I've got my phone if you need me.”

“We’re fine here.”

She’d almost said she didn’t need him but that wasn’t true. It also would've hurt them both, which wasn’t Emily’s intent. She looked at Natalie as her husband walked out the door without saying goodbye or giving her a kiss.

“It’s only a matter of time before he just doesn’t bother to come back.” Emily said, going back to the last of the cleaning.

“Why would you say something like that?” Natalie asked.

“Oh please, he barely knows I exist Nat.”

“You don’t know what he’s been through over there; though you can surely guess.”

“I know.” Emily replied through gritted teeth. “I know this is all going to be an uphill battle. I'm a fighter and I will fight for this. But I can't fight alone.”

“He's only been home for nine days.” Her stepmother said, pulling her into a hug. “Give it time. He has to get used to not getting out of bed everyday and fighting for his life. He’s got to get used to being Aaron Hotchner again and not Lt. Colonel Hotchner.”

Emily nodded as she held tighter to her stepmother. This was so much harder than she imagined. She’d been naïve to think it was all going to fall back into place. It was her hope but it was silly because that kind of thought led to nothing but disappointment.

Surely Hotch wanted to be a good husband and father. Emily needed to give him the benefit of the doubt. She needed to give him space and try to understand his feelings of alienation and self-doubt. While she was doing all of that, what was he going to be doing?

Hotch was nearly a mile from home when he took the cell phone from the pocket of his track pants and dialed the number he knew by heart. A voice came on the line, asking him to enjoy some music while his call was being connected. It was Beyonce, an artist he would probably have no real knowledge of if he hadn't been at war for the past five years. She sang a few lines of _Upgrade U_ before another voice came on the line.

“Hi.” They didn’t need the niceties, they were past that.

“I need to see you.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Aaron.”

“I think it’s a horrible idea.” He replied. “I still think it’s true.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

“I'm about a mile from my house. I can grab a cab; I've got some money. Just…I need to talk. Are you busy?”

She was always busy…that was her lot in life. But he sounded so lost and she’d heard him that way before. It had never been her intent to get in too deep with this soldier or any other one. They were all running on borrowed time. He was more than a soldier though, he was a man. He was a troubled man; a wonderful, amazing, troubled man. This was a cry for help. It would be irresponsible to ignore it.

“Meet me at the Georgetown Diner in 25 minutes, OK.”

“Thank you.” he said.

“Sure. Bye, Aaron.”

He hung up without saying goodbye and hailed a cab as it was turning the corner.

***

“Hey Daddy.”

“What's up, buddy?”

Hotch looked away from his cell phone and looked at his son. He’d been home for two weeks; things were still strange and strained. But for the past two days Hotch had been babysitting his son and having a good time. Jack was a sweet and well-behaved little boy. Hotch could handle that.

Sabrina was with her grandparents during the day while Emily was at school. She’d left the State Department when he left on his last tour to be a full-time mom for a while. Her intent was to go back but she thought with him gone she needed to devote as much time as she could to their children. When she wasn’t being mommy, which Hotch recognized she was damn good at, she was studying to get her PhD in International Affairs from American University. She already had her Masters in International Communication from the school.

Emily Prentiss was only the child of well-known ambassadors and spoke five languages fluently with conversational skills in twelve. She was a brilliant woman with a Bachelors degree in both Philosophy and Linguistics from Yale University. Hotch remembered when they first started dating he had no idea how a woman like her could ever fall for a man like him. After their fourth date he didn’t care; he was falling in love. That all seemed so long ago. It actually seemed as if it had been someone else’s life altogether.

“Its lunchtime.” Jack replied.

“Oh, it is?” Hotch looked away from his cell phone and at his watch. It was quarter to one, which was Jack’s lunch time. “So it is. What are you gonna have today?”

“Peanut butter and jelly!” he exclaimed, doing a little jump.

“Didn’t you have that yesterday?”

“Yeah.” he nodded.

“And you want it again today?” Hotch asked.

“Yep, it’s my favorite.”

“Well I'm not gonna deny you your favorite.” Hotch managed a smile. “OK bud, you sit at the table and I’ll get your sandwich and milk ready.”

“OK.” Jack used his steps to climb up to his booster seat. He loved lunchtime; it was his favorite time of the day. “Daddy?”

“Hmm?” Hotch took a second to glance at him before going into the fridge for the grape jam. One thing he’d learned about Jack, he only liked jam and not jelly at all. It was too lumpy. Hotch didn’t know what that meant but he accepted it.

“You looked funny before, are you OK?”

“I'm fine.”

“Then why did you look funny?” Jack asked.

Hotch was still getting used to the barrage of questions. Jack actually never seemed to stop talking, at least to his father. Most of his talking came in the form of a question. It took too much for Hotch to think back to that age. He was probably inquisitive too, until his father stopped him from talking. Or maybe not since Alexander Hotchner raised his son according to the old adage that children should be seen and not heard. And no one wanted to upset Alexander Hotchner.

“I tried to call Mommy a few times but her phone went to voicemail.” It was only after Hotch said it that he thought it might that have been a bad idea. He didn’t want to worry Jack, who surely thought about death with his father in a war zone for most of his life. “I'm sure everything is fine but…”

“She's with Gideon.” Jack replied, cutting his father off.

“What?”

Hotch poured a glass of milk and took Jack’s lunch to the kitchen table. The four year old smiled and then put his hands together to say grace.

“God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food. Amen.”

“Amen.” Hotch repeated. “Who’s Gideon, Jack?”

“He’s a man.”

“Oh.” Hotch felt a rock in the pit of his stomach. Emily was with a man? A man who he’d never heard of. As guilty as he felt he knew he had to pump his son for information. Emily had mentioned nothing about a man named Gideon since he’d come back or while he was away. It wasn’t as if he needed to know all of Emily’s friends. She was allowed to have her own life and conduct it as she saw fit. But Hotch wanted to know who Gideon was. “He’s a man that Mommy knows?”

“Mmm hmm.” Jack bit his sandwich. “They teach together at school. He has a lot of books and he likes birds. He showed them to me in the park. There were red ones, yellow ones, and little black ones too, Daddy.”

“What else did Gideon show you?” Hotch asked.

“He took us to the Aquarium once. That was awesome cuz I got to see a fish like Nemo. Mommy always smiles when we go places with Gideon; she's never sad. He read me some bedtime stories but he’s not as good with the voices as you are Daddy. Oh, and he bought me a train set for Christmas.”

“He bought you Christmas gifts?”

“A train set; it’s at Natty and Pop-Pop’s house. Mommy said it was very nice of him cuz he don’t celebrate our holidays.”

“Doesn’t, Jack.” Hotch gently corrected his son as he wiped crumbs from his face.

“OK Daddy. He believes in different stuff, not Santa.”

“He's Jewish.”

“Yeah!” Jack exclaimed. “How did you know that, Daddy?”

“I just guessed.” Hotch sighed. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He didn’t want to know anymore about this Gideon. He was just a friend; Emily had many friends. She was charismatic, charming, intelligent, beautiful, and witty. People gravitated towards her whenever she walked into a room.

Why should this Gideon be any different? But just how much time had he spent with their children? On this last tour Hotch didn’t get to come home at all. That gave Gideon a year and a half to steal his wife if that was the man’s intent. His cell phone ringing brought Hotch out of his increasingly ridiculous thoughts on the subject. “Hello.”

“Hey, I saw you called three times.” Emily said. “Is everything alright? Is Jack alright?”

“Jack is fine. Jack, say hi to Mommy.”

“Hi Mommy!” he shouted, peanut butter in his mouth.

“Hi sweetheart. Is everything alright, Aaron? Why didn’t you leave a voicemail? This phone never works in the language lab…its ridiculous but true.”

“I wanted to know when you were coming home.”

“I'm not sure, probably around five. Why?”

“Well I was thinking we could do something tonight, just us. Not mommy and daddy but Aaron and Emily.”

“Oh um…”

“What, Emily?”

“I'm proctoring a study group tonight.” She replied.

“I thought you said you were coming home at five.”

“I am but its right back out from seven to nine. I'm…”

“It’s fine.”

“Aaron…”

“No, its fine Emily; you're busy. I don’t even know why I bothered. You're scheduled to death; you always have been.”

“This PhD program does keep me busy.” She said. “I'm sorry but…”

“Its fine.” Hotch said though it wasn’t and he couldn’t manage to make it sound that way.

“Could you let me finish a sentence please?”

“I'm sorry.” He sighed. “Go on.”

“We can do something on Saturday. Nat and Dad take the kids every other weekend so I can breathe and this is their weekend. Nat will pick Jack up on Friday afternoon and she’ll bring them both back on Sunday evening in time for dinner. Maybe we can have dinner, go to a movie, or maybe a museum.”

“We can have a nice conversation where you tell me who Gideon is.” Hotch replied.

“What?”

“You have a friend who buys my son toys and takes him to the aquarium? I’d definitely like to have a conversation about that.”

“Are you serious?” Emily asked. She laughed but it was mirthless. “You know what, Aaron, I have a lot of work to do. I need to go now.”

Hotch hung up without even saying goodbye. He had to control his urge to smash his cell phone against the wall. It would've frightened his son and he didn’t want that. Hotch didn’t want to be feeling this way.

All he wanted was to know who the hell Gideon was. Everything else could wait. Who could he ask who would keep the confidence of his inquiries? Hotch would think about it and as soon as he put Jack down for his nap he would make a few phone calls.

***

“Hey there.”

“Oh God,” Emily dropped the books she was carrying. “You scared me.”

“That surely wasn’t my intent.” Jason Gideon smiled some as he bent to pick up the books. “You’ve been on edge all evening. I promise I'm not profiling you.”

“I wasn’t going to accuse you of that.” she replied.

She’d told her husband never to profile her when they first started dating. While it was Aaron’s job and she respected that, it had little place in their personal relationship. It was strange that she’d told Jason the same thing when they started getting close. While he knew what profiling was it had nothing to do with what he did for a living. Still, he played along whenever she told him not to.

“Are you sure?”

“I'm sure.” Emily nodded. “I’ve been on edge all evening; I can admit it.”

“Work, school, or home?” Jason asked. He pulled her messenger bag toward him and slipped the books in.

“Jason…”

She wanted to talk to him. She desperately wanted to talk to him like she always did. But her husband was back now and Jason shouldn’t be her confidante, Hotch should. It was just hard to stop something that had been going on for two years.

He was her advisor as she worked on her PhD part time. The other half of the time she was a stay at home mom and a Marine wife. Jason was one of Emily’s escapes from all of that. She hated that she’d put him in that position.

Jason, for what it was worth, was content being her friend and confidante. He was just so easy to talk to. Jason was comfortable like her favorite sweater or easy chair. Most men would probably hate being thought of that way.

“How about I just give you a ride home?” Jason suggested.

He didn’t want to push. He knew things were tough at home; everyone was trying to adjust. Emily had signed on to student teach and do some proctoring for the summer courses. She liked to keep herself busy and he liked that about her. Still, it had to be tough with her husband finally home from war and her gone a lot of the time.

“I have my car thanks.” Emily slipped her messenger bag onto her shoulder. “Do you want to get a drink…I could really use a drink?”

“I never turn down an after work drink.” Jason smiled.

“Yes you do; all the time.”

“Well I'm not turning you down.” He replied. “Where are we going?”

“I don’t know, Mickey’s I guess. I need to be someplace quiet where I don’t have to push away the sounds of too many voices.”

“I’ll walk you to your car.”

Emily nodded, a small smile on her face as she turned out all the lights and they headed for the parking lot. So many words were on the tip of her tongue. She could tell Jason was feeling the same way. She just didn’t know what to say.

Emily wanted to tell him all about Hotch and his veiled accusations. She wanted to tell him she felt like she was living with a stranger and didn’t know if she even wanted to be around her own husband. She just wanted to tell him everything. It felt like she couldn’t breathe and Emily didn’t even realize she’d stopped walking until Jason stopped too and turned around.

“OK, something is really wrong.” He said.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded again. She was pushing back the tears that threatened to spill over. The last thing that needed to happen was for her to break down and cry. Emily was afraid if she started then she would never stop. She also feared her reaction to Jason’s comfort, which he would give without question or consequence. “I just…I need to go home.”

“We can take a rain check on the drink.”

“I'm probably just going to go home and have one anyway.”

“Still, at least you'll be at home. C'mon, it’s getting late.”

Jason slipped his arm in hers and led her toward the parking lot. He hated seeing her like this but wasn’t sure what to do about it. His initial feelings, to hold on to her and never let go, were not a good idea. That was her husband’s job and if Aaron Hotchner wasn’t doing it then he was a damn fool. Jason had already figured that out. He didn’t know what Emily thought about it; asking was out of the question.

“Thank you.” she whispered as they stood in front of her older model BMW.

“What are you thanking me for?”

“Just being my friend. I don’t know if you know how many times it’s been a lifesaver.”

“I'm glad I could help in any way. I know how tough it’s been not having Hotch around for all this time.” he took her face in his hands. It was just so damn hard for him not to touch her; not to want to touch her. “Now is a time you should be happy, not sad Katya.”

The term of endearment made her smile. Katya was the diminutive of Ekaterina, the Russian form of Katherine. Katherine was Emily’s middle name. She had no idea why Jason called her that; he just picked it up one day. It stuck when he found out it was her middle name.

It was something just the two of them shared. Maybe they shouldn’t have but Emily liked it so much. She would never tell him to stop. It was a harmless term of endearment. With all she’d been through, she needed it.

“I'm gonna be fine,” she put her hand on his shoulder. “I promise.”

“OK. You know where to find me if you want to talk.”

“Yes.”

“Well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Jason.”

She climbed into the car and Jason stepped back as she started the ignition and pulled off. He waited until her rear lights faded before he started the walk to his car. Emily didn’t belong to him and he needed to remember that. She loved her husband, believed in her marriage vows. That was something to be commended not condemned. It wasn’t her fault that Jason was in love with her.

***

He was there in his full service uniform even his hat, which he took off upon walking into her cushy DC office. That didn’t surprise her because that’s the way Marines did things. If they were in an uncomfortable place, and few places were uncomfortable for them, they had to identify as Marines. It was the same no matter what; young, old, black, white, male or female. On the surface they were as easy to read as a cheap romance novel.

But no marine she’d encountered thus far, and she’d seen her share, was just a surface person. They were some of the most complex human beings. It was simply through being a Marine, and the training it required, that they were such a challenge to treat. That was fine; no one liked a challenge more than Erin Strauss. Her current one had been there for over fifteen minutes and had said nothing more than one word responses (two if you count that he always called her ma'am). If it wasn’t that then it was silence. A rare smoke break would be required when this visit was through.

“Colonel Hotchner, you do realize that the point of this visit is to talk?” she asked, trying to get some kind of conversation started.

“Yes ma'am.” He gave a small nod.

“I know this visit is required and I'm used to facing resistance but I think its time we got started.” Erin looked through some paperwork in his file. “You’ve been home for three weeks now?”

“Yes ma'am.”

“How have you been doing in that time?”

“Fine…ma'am.”

“Would you please describe fine for me?” Erin asked.

“The informal dictionary definition is in an excellent manner; very well.”

Erin Strauss smirked. Ahh, so he could be a smartass. That might come in handy during this time of transition.

“Thank you very much, Colonel, but I knew that. How are you sleeping?”

“Fine.”

“Have you experienced any nightmares or night terrors?” she asked.

“No.” he shook his head. “I rarely remember my dreams though I'm sure I have them. Everyone does.”

“Did you have nightmares in combat?”

“One. We don’t need to talk about that; it’s over now.”

“I’d like to talk about it, if you don’t mind.”

“I mind, ma'am.” Hotch replied.

“Colonel Hotchner, I'm the person who will be declaring you fit or unfit for…”

“For what, ma'am? Fit or unfit for what? Are they trying to see if I can go back out there and do another tour of duty because the answer is no, I can't. For the greater part of five years I've been in that hellhole and I won't go back. I'm not as young as I used to be; my mind won't just bounce back from what I saw out there.

“I need to move on; I've done my bid for Corps and Country. I've done it proudly. But a man can only endure so much. I get to put Afghanistan together again while my family falls apart? If I'm here to be cleared for more of that you can just write down in your little file that I'm crazy ma'am. I don’t care if its crazy like a fox…I'm crazy.”

“I was going to say that I'm the person who is to determine whether you are fit or unfit for reentry into civilian life.” Erin replied.

“As far as I know I have no mental illnesses or deficiencies.” Hotch said.

“And tell me, from where did you get your PhD, sir?”

“The School of the Few and Proud.”

Erin cracked another small smile. She turned another page in his thick file.

“Tell me about your combat nightmare.” She said.

“I dreamt that my wife and children had to stand at an airplane hangar and wait for them to bring my flag-draped coffin off of a plane. It wasn’t anything to wake up screaming about.”

“Your file says you have two children.”

“I have a son and a daughter. He’s about to be five and she’s about to be two.”

“So they grew up with you gone most of the time?”

“I'm a stranger to them and vice-versa.” Hotch replied. He was trying, doing his best to be a father to them. He loved his children, could see so much of himself and their mother in them. But he hardly knew what to say or do concerning them. A father was more than hugs and bedtime stories.

“How does that make you feel, Colonel?” Erin asked.

“I don’t want to be one of those men. My father was one of those men.”

“What kind of man is that?”

“He was a man who only knew the Corps. He didn’t raise a child; he raised a soldier. I want Jack and Sabrina to be kids. I want them to be proud of their father but more than that I want them to love him…love me.”

“How is your wife?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“You don’t understand the question. Forgive me but your file says you're Fordham and Duke University educated. I have trouble believing that you don’t understand the question. How is your wife, Colonel Hotchner?”

“She's fine. She’s studying for her PhD at American University. It keeps her busy. We haven’t had much time together since I've been home.”

“You're sharing a home?” Erin asked.

“I guess so.”

“What does that mean?”

“Two bodies inhabiting the same space doesn’t always mean sharing a home.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“What do you think?” Hotch countered.

“I think you need to talk about it.”

“I'm not trying to be difficult…”

“OK.”

“I'm not trying to be difficult but I would prefer if we didn’t. I know that I need time to readjust. I know I'm going to face some issues that I would rather not. But I don’t feel comfortable doing that with a stranger. No offense.”

“So you're going to do that with your wife?” Erin asked, not offended at all. She didn’t bother to be offended by patients unless a big line was crossed. They were often here and resisting help. Lots of offensive things could be said in that process. “How is that working so far?”

“I've only been home a month. Is there a timeline that I haven’t been made aware of, ma'am?”

“Who do you confide in?”

“I have a few close friends.”

“Would you mind telling me their names?”

“First and last or is the first name basis OK?” Hotch asked.

“First name basis is fine.”

“Sam, Morgan, Meg…”

“Who was the third person, Colonel.”

“No one.” Hotch cleared his throat.

“Were you about to mention someone who died in combat?” Erin asked.

“No.” he shook his head. “I don’t feel comfortable with aspects of my personal life ending up in that file.”

“That’s understandable. Who was the third person, Colonel?”

“Megan.” Hotch replied, having no idea why he did. Megan was none of her business. She was none of anyone’s business.

“Who’s Megan? Is she your wife?”

“You know she’s not my wife.”

“Actually I don’t. Who is she if she isn’t your wife?”

“This line of questioning is over.” Hotch said, making a slash motion with his hand. He cringed when he recognized the tone. It was distinctly Alexander Hotchner. Dammit, he was not becoming his father. He couldn’t let that happen. He’d rather have died out in the desert before that happened.

“I think that’s for the doctor to decide, Colonel.”

“Fine. If you want to know who Megan is I'm sure you have ways to find out.”

Silence followed. Hotch just sat there with his hat in his lap. To the untrained eye he looked fine. To Erin he looked as if he was about to crawl out of his skin. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry; attack or retreat. She had no idea how to get him to open up.

Maybe he never would. Some were just anti-therapy. They would find ways to cope and move on but they wouldn’t be doing it on her couch. Still, she saw something in Colonel Hotchner that screamed for help. He wasn’t a lost cause, he would probably make it. He just wasn’t going to make it on his own.

“How would you feel if I said that you needed to see me once a week for the next eight weeks?” she asked.

“If my superiors command it than I have no choice.”

“This isn’t about superiors, Colonel, this is about you. How would you feel?”

“I don’t feel anything about it either way, ma'am.”

“Is your wife seeing a therapist?” she asked.

That question threw Hotch off. He had no idea. He knew that Emily had a psychiatrist once. She had a hard time growing up in the glare of her parents’ spotlight. She always told him that therapy was a girl’s best friend. He never once thought her weak or silly for seeing one.

But he’d never thought about if she was doing it while he was gone. Surely she needed someplace to go and talk it out. She had friends and loved ones but they weren't always going to understand what she was going through. Marine wives usually stuck together but Emily had difficulty talking to people she didn’t know quite well. She did her duty as an officer’s wife; she was perfect in that as she was everything else.

“She's seen a therapist in her lifetime.” He replied. “As to right now, I don’t know.”

“What's the last conversation you two had?”

“I don't know, ma'am.”

“I see.” Erin scribbled something down in her small notebook and then got up from her chair. She went over and sat behind an antique cherry oak desk. “I'm going to set an appointment for you to see me next Thursday, Colonel Hotchner, after the July 4th holiday. I have a feeling this will be challenging, for the both of us, but I also think it will be rewarding. The Marine Corps has given you ninety days before you’re set to return to full civilian life. We’re already thirty days behind.”

“Behind in what, ma'am?” he asked.

“Reintegration. It might be asking a lot for you to trust me so I'm not going to do that. I'm going to ask you to look at this like a challenge. I'm not here to hinder you; I'm here to help.

“If you resist this, it will only be to your detriment. Everything we discuss here is privileged. I cannot repeat it to your superiors, your wife, your girlfriend, your golf buddies, or your mother. In here, it’s just Erin and Aaron.”

“Is that like Simon and Simon?” he asked smirking. “I'm Gerald McRaney…you can be the other guy.”

“You're going to need that sense of humor, Colonel Hotchner.” She got up from the desk, walked across the room, and handed him a business card.

On the front it had her name, Dr. Erin Strauss. It said she was a behavioral psychologist and a trauma specialist. From the degrees on her wall Hotch could see she had a Bachelor’s from Barnard, a Masters from Columbia, a Masters from Oxford, and a PhD from Princeton. This woman was no joke. That didn’t mean he wanted anything to do with her.

It seemed as if he had no choice in the matter. Hotch hated that feeling. It made him automatically resistant to the entire process. The least he could do was make sure he researched the hell out of her before he came back next week.

Dr. Strauss knew everything about him and he knew nothing about her. It was time to even the playing field they were on. Or was it a battlefield? He’d been on enough of those in his time and they were easy to recognize.

“Am I free to go now, ma'am?” he asked.

“Yes. Your next appointment is written on the back of the card.”

“Thank you, ma'am.”

He stood, put his hat on, and walked out of the room. Erin went back to her desk with her files. This was going to be a challenging case. She wasn’t a detective, couldn’t talk to other people in the Colonel’s life about his situation. She was just a doctor. Being one of the best still didn’t give her access into certain aspects of Aaron Hotchner’s life.

But she could talk to certain military superiors and find out about him that way. She knew one in particular who might be able to give her some of the information she needed. Erin didn’t like using certain personal relationships in the context of doing her job. But there was something about Aaron Hotchner. He needed help and she had been given his file. That meant it was her job to help him and Erin Strauss took her job very seriously.

***

Hotch pulled the car over to the side of the dark road and put it in neutral. His wife just looked at him.

“Why are we stopping?” she asked. “What's the matter, Aaron?”

“Something’s gotta give.” He said in a deadpan tone.

“I know that.”

They were coming from her parents’ Fourth of July celebration. It hadn't been the most fun time for Hotch but he managed. He didn’t want to seem anti-social but also wasn’t in the mood to be surrounded by so many people. Emily told him he could stay home, that it wasn’t going to upset her, and in the beginning he did. Then he felt like he needed to be with his family. He needed to try at least and even if it was uncomfortable that didn’t mean he just wasn’t going to try. What would happen if he just stopped trying?

“We’re not in a good place right now.” he went on. “This marriage is not in a good place.”

“I've been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt.” Emily replied. “I'm trying to give you space to adjust; I don’t want to push.”

“I'm going to start seeing Dr. Strauss later this week.”

“If you think that’s best then you know I’ll support you.”

“It’s not about what I think. I wasn’t given a lot of choice in the matter.”

“Well therapy surely won't work if you go into it with harsh resistance.”

“I don’t know how I'm going into it, Emily.” Hotch responded. “I'm just going into it.”

“OK.” She nodded.

“We need to talk about some things. We need to…”

“What is it, Aaron?”

“I need to know who Jason Gideon is.”

“He's my friend.” Emily said.

“How friendly is he?”

“Aaron, he’s my friend. That’s all. Why do you think there’s anything else?”

“He's spent time with my children. Are you going to deny that?”

“I'm not denying anything.” She didn’t want to raise her voice but she was upset. “Jason is my friend and a lot of my friends spend time with our kids.”

“Do they read them bedtime stories?” Hotch asked.

“What the hell are you trying to say? You’ve never been afraid to speak your mind, Aaron. Say whatever you want to say. Go ahead and get it over with.”

“I want you to stop being friends with him. There…I said it.”

“No. You have no right to tell me who I can be friends with. That has never been how we do things; I'm not going to start now. You’ve been gone for five fuckin years and I've had to make it by myself.

I've struggled, I've been scared, and I thought about giving up. Jason was there for me. I'm not going to turn my back on a friend; you would never do something like that. The man I used to know would never do something like that.”

“He may assume that you're more than friends.” Hotch said. “Did you ever consider that? He’s had you all to himself for almost two years.”

“He doesn’t think that. You don’t even know him. I would appreciate if you didn’t profile the man by proxy.”

“You haven’t introduced me to him…I've been home a month!”

“I've never harassed you about your female friends. I don’t need to because I trust you. Is there a reason I shouldn’t? We lived separate lives for five years. I didn’t know what you were doing over there. I didn’t know your friends, I didn’t know your enemies.” Emily stopped. “Why are you doing this? Why am I the bad guy?”

“I can't reach you.” he whispered.

“I'm right here.”

“Jason can reach you and I can't. You’re with him all day and then at night you don’t even look at me.”

“I feel like I don't know you anymore. You don’t act the same, talk the same, and I’m just trying to figure out who you are. I refuse to let you fuck me while I do that.”

“This is not about…?”

“Then what's it about, Aaron? I've tried to talk; I've tried to reach you. You’re not there. But you want to come into our bedroom on random nights and jump up and down on top of me like I'm a common whore? There may have been whores in Kabul but I am not a whore. I am your wife!”

“Are you accusing me of sleeping with whores?” he asked, his voice turning dark.

“You don’t hear me, do you? Our life together started again when you got off that plane. All that matters to me is everyday after. The days before…I can't spend my life pacing about them. You’re home; you're alive. Whatever you had to do in those war zones can be left there. We can't spend our life in the past. We’ll never make it.”

Hotch was quiet for a while, looking out the windshield at the dark night ahead of them. It seemed as if there were many more to come.

“I’ll never forgive you if you slept with someone else while I was away.”

“Fuck you!” Emily exclaimed. “Fuck this; I'm done.”

She unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car.

“Emily, get back in the car! Emily, what the hell are you doing?”

“I'm done; I’ll walk back to my parents’ house.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Hotch got out of the car too. “Dammit, it’s dark out here; get back in the car. Your parents’ house is almost a mile away.”

“No, Aaron. I'm not going anywhere with you. This is what you do, you know, you’ve always done it. You turn everything on the people who care about you so you won't have to look at yourself. You’re not going to do that to me.” she held back her tears. Emily wasn’t going to cry out there in the dark like a hysterical ninny.

“I love you! I waited for you and worried about you and bore your children. You will not treat me like this. Go! Just go; I don’t even want to look at you anymore.”

“Get in the car.” His voice was calm. “If you don’t get in the car I'm coming over there and putting you in the car.”

“If you touch me it will be the last time.”

Hotch didn’t want to leave her out there. It wasn’t the right thing to do. It was dark and she was his wife. If anything happened to her he wouldn’t even know how to face it.

“I'm calling my parents.” Emily took her cell phone from her purse. “This conversation is over.”

Hotch watched her push a button and put the phone to her ear. He didn’t want to leave her out there. But he knew if he tried to take her by force it could get ugly. It didn’t need to get ugly. So he sighed, got back in the car, and drove off.

Emily stood in the pitch black trembling as the phone rang. He finally picked up.

“Hello Emily.”

“I need you to come and pick me up.” She burst into tears before she could stop herself. OK, now she was in full hysterical ninny mode.

“Dear God, what happened?”

“I'm all alone…please.”

“You never have to beg me.” Jason replied. “Where are you; I'm coming right now.”

“I'm in Chevy Chase; just standing on the road. I think it’s, um, Cardinal Road. I just got out of the car, Jason; I just got out of the damn car.”

“What? Emily, you cannot stand on a dark road. You have to walk toward something. Is there a gas station, a bus stop, anything?”

“I think there’s a Circle K a half mile up.”

“Start walking.” Jason said. “I'm gonna stay on the phone; I'm not leaving you. Get as close as you can to the side of the road but be careful. Is there any light out there.”

“Not much.”

“Oh my God. He fuckin left you. Are you kidding me?”

“I told him to go. Everything was fine but then...”

“You don’t have to explain. I'm getting in the car now. I'm coming Emily.”

“I'm sorry Jason.”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me.”

“How insane is this?” she asked. “How insane is what's happening right now?”

“It’s a little insane, I grant you. But I'm not going to leave you alone on a dark road. I should be the one apologizing. I am so sorry you're going through this. That he can treat you this way after everything you…”

Jason stopped. He had to stop or he would make a detour through Woodley Park and kill Aaron Hotchner. What the hell was he thinking just leaving her like that? No argument or disagreement could be so bad as to leave his wife on the side of the road in the dark. He would never do that to her but it didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter because she loved Aaron Hotchner and they would get past this too. Jason couldn’t even say that he didn’t want them to. He just wanted Emily to be alright. He wanted her to be happy and feel loved.

He didn’t want her scared and crying. He’d seen a little of this side of her before but that was when her husband was in Afghanistan. She had every right to feel that way then. Now, he had no idea. He sighed into the cell phone.

“Are you still there?” he asked. “Are you OK?”

“I'm walking. I'm just walking.”

“OK, well I'm here. Whatever you want to say, whatever you want to do Katya, I'm here.”

***

“Are you kidding me? You better be fuckin kidding me?”

“She was the one who refused to get back in the car.” Hotch reasoned.

“So you left her out there in the dark? She’s your wife Aaron; that’s just some shit you just don’t do. What the hell is the matter with you?”

“I tried to get her to get back in the car. I even told her that I would forcibly put her back. She told me not to touch her. What was I supposed to do?”

“How about not being an asshole in the first place? Did that thought ever cross your mind?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Oh fuck fair, Aaron. When is life ever fair? You're a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite and a jackass and I never thought I would have to think that about you.”

“Why the hell am I such a hypocrite?” he asked. “I bet she’s with him right now. They’re probably together and he’s whispering in her ear about what a monster I am. He could be sliding into home as we speak. I'm not doing that.”

“Firstly, you don’t even know that to be true. Secondly, hell I wouldn’t blame him if he was. If he’s looking for a way in you just opened the door and offered Emily to him on a platter. What the hell are you doing?” She fought the urge to just slap him on the back of the head. That wasn’t going to solve anything.

“You love this woman. She means everything to you. Do you even know how many times you called me by her name? Everyday in Afghanistan all you wanted to do was get home to her. Now you're here and…what’s happening.”

“I don't know.” Hotch whispered, covering his face with his hands. He had no idea what happened in that car and why it deteriorated so rapidly. The conversation, about wanting to be close and about therapy possibly helping him get to that place, dissolved right before his eyes. Hotch tried to pick up the pieces but they ran through his fingers like grains of sand. “I need help.”

“You're going to get it.” Megan sat down on the couch beside him. She put her hand on his shoulder. “I can't give you the help that you need. My services are of an entirely different nature.”

“I'm seeing Erin Strauss.”

“She's one of the best.”

“Do you know everyone in this city?” he asked.

“Its part of my job to know everyone.” Megan replied. “We can't keep getting together like this.”

“We’re not going to be able to be friends, are we?”

“I want to say yes, Aaron. I think I want to say yes to that a little too much. I find it so hard to turn you away. You’re a wonderful man who obviously needs some help right now. But there is an amazing woman who wants that job; she's earned it. You love Emily and you don’t need me mixing up whatever’s already going on in your mind.”

“You're not doing that.” He took her hand and kissed it.

“OK, then you're doing it. This isn’t Kabul, Aaron; you have more options now.”

“I'm not sure I can walk away.”

“OK, leave Emily then. Leave her, come to me and I will have you. I’ll never let you go.”

“How could you say that to me?” Hotch asked, dropping her hand. “You know I can't leave Emily…I love my wife.”

“Then what are you doing here?” Megan asked in an exasperated tone. “It’s not fair to me; it’s not fair to her. You’re being a selfish bastard and that’s hurting a lot of people. If you care about us, stop it.”

“I'm not sure I know how. It’s like there are two people battling inside of me and I don’t know who’s gonna win, Megan. I don’t even know who to root for.”

“Then Erin Strauss might be the only woman you need in your life right now.” She stood up from the couch and reached for both of his hands. “C'mon, you gotta go. I've got plans tonight.”

“Oh, I didn’t even…”

Hotch didn’t want to think about her being with another man. He wasn’t so naïve to think that he’d been the only one; it was the woman’s job to entertain. Still, he knew he always treated Megan with respect. He couldn’t be sure that other men were doing the same. Thousands of dollars were not worth her respect. Of course she was the queen of the operation; it surely wasn’t often she was doing the grunt work herself.

“Its alright.” She leaned and kissed his cheek. “Go home Aaron. Go home and apologize to your wife. Don’t call me for a while. See your doctor, start readjusting; I can't be your crutch.”

It hurt her so much to have to push him away. Megan knew it was for the best. She’d had a john or two in her time who thought they had feelings for her. Tough love was the only way to handle these kinds of situations. Hotch was a special case but she wouldn’t deviate from the party line.

At least she would go no further than she already had. She knew why he was there tonight. He was seeking a comfort she swore she would never give him outside of Afghanistan. He knew the rules and he’d been breaking them since he returned home. How was he ever going to make things right with the woman he loved if he kept doing that?

“I know.” Aaron replied. “I appreciate that you’ve been there for me. You’re not a shrink, though I'm sure you’ve heard your share of stories. I made our thing into something it shouldn’t be and for that I apologize to you.”

“Don’t do that, just go home. If you want to make it up to me, get better and love your family. That will make me happy.”

Hotch nodded. He let go of her hands and walked out of the door. He’d stepped over the line with both Megan and Emily. Now he had to figure out how to get back to one and stay away from the other. Nothing like this had ever happened before and Hotch feared that only one person might be able to help him. It was the person he feared talking to the most.

***

Hotch didn’t see his wife again until Monday night. She never came home on Saturday. She didn’t call or come home on Sunday either. He wasn’t sure what to do considering how he’d left her on a deserted road in the middle of Chevy Chase, Maryland. He thought of calling the police and filing a missing persons report. He was her husband; he could do that.

But surely her parents would've called if they couldn’t find her. He thought of calling her parents to make sure she was alright. Hotch was sure that neither Gregory nor Natalie wanted to hear from him at the moment. That was if it was even them who picked her up from the road that night. As he’d gone straight to Megan, Hotch couldn’t help but think that she’d gone straight to Jason Gideon. The idea that Emily could’ve spent the weekend in his company, in his bed, was enough to make his blood boil. It was better not to think about it at all.

Her return home on Monday evening didn't stop him from thinking about it. Emily came home after eight o’clock and the only talking she did was to ask him to get Jack out of the car. Both of the children were sound asleep. Hotch asked her if she was alright after he made sure Jack was undressed, redressed in pajamas, and snug in bed.

Emily went into her room and closed the door without a response. He knocked, once and then again, but she didn’t answer. When he tried the knob, Hotch realized that the door was locked. He wasn’t even sleeping in there and Emily was still locking him out. Not wanting to make trouble, Hotch just went downstairs to the den.

The next day, the couple still wasn’t speaking. Hotch tried to think of something to say, to make this better, but kept coming up empty. He also dialed Megan’s number five times but hung up before completing the call. By the evening, he was in the study looking through his military paperwork. Emily was upstairs with Sabrina talking on the telephone while Jack played in the den.

For over a half hour he’d been trying to drown out Jack’s noise. He was blowing on some kind of horn that was steps from driving his father clean out of his mind. Hotch didn’t know what it was but he thought about Dr. Seuss’ floofloovers and whohoopers. Finally Hotch went out to the den. He watched his son march around like his own one-boy parade.

“Jack!”

“Huh?” he stopped marching, stopped blowing, and looked at his father.

“You're making a little too much noise, buddy. Daddy’s trying to work so I need you to play quietly.”

Jack just looked at him as if he didn’t understand. Then he smiled.

“OK, Daddy.”

“Thank you.” Hotch said.

“You're welcome.”

Nodding, Hotch turned and went back into the study. He didn’t know what Jack was doing as he sat back at the desk. Hotch was looking at the paperwork he would have to go through to leave the Marines for good. It wasn’t a decision that Hotch was ready to make. He still had eight weeks before he was even cleared to return to work and officially re-enter the civilian world.

He had eight visits coming with Erin Strauss, whose opinion Hotch was sure would end up in his permanent record. Less than 15 minutes later, the noise invaded his space again. Hotch couldn’t believe it. He’d told Jack to stop…he needed him to stop. That horn, or whatever the hell it was, was about to go sailing out the window. Getting up again, he stalked back into the den and bore down on his son.

“Jack! I told you to stop!”

Jack looked at him for a moment but then went back to blowing and marching. It was as if Hotch said nothing. He couldn’t believe how brazen this little boy was to ignore his father. If he had done something like that at his age, Hotch wouldn’t have been able to sit for a couple of days. Thinking about it and listening to that ridiculous noise, Hotch got really angry. He snatched the horn out of Jack’s mouth and hand. His brown eyes went wide.

“Gimme my toy back!” Jack exclaimed.

“Don’t you speak to me in that tone!” Hotch said just as loudly. “I am your father and I told you to stop! You will obey me when I speak”

“Give it back, Daddy!” Jack reached for his toy. “Give it back!”

This time when he reached for it, Hotch shoved him. Jack seemed to fall in slow motion and his father tried to catch him but failed. He hit the floor with a thud. Then Jack screamed. He screamed and began to sob.

“Jack…” when Hotch reached for him again, Jack shrank away. He screamed again.

“No! Mommy!” he screeched.

Emily, who was upstairs on the phone with her best friend Jordan Todd, quickly got off the phone when she heard her little boy screaming. She rushed downstairs, leaving Sabrina asleep on the bed in the master bedroom. Emily was mortified when she walked in on the scene in the den.

“Aaron?”

“Mommy!” Jack screeched, crying his eyes out. “Help me!”

“Jack, are you alright?” she rushed to her son’s side, scooping him up in her arms. “What happened?”

“He pushed me. Daddy pushed me down hard.”

“What the hell are you doing?” she looked at her husband. “What's the matter with you?”

“It was a misunderstanding.” Hotch tried to explain. “I didn’t mean…I was just…”

“Stay away from him.”

She rushed out of the room, Jack still bawling in her arms. She took him upstairs to his room; didn’t want his cries to wake his little sister. Laying him down on the bed, Emily ran her fingers through Jack’s hair. She didn’t like the way he was holding his arm. He was crying so hard, his heart beating so fast; Emily needed to calm him down before he hyperventilated.

“Calm down, baby. I need to look at your arm Jack.” She said gently.

“No Mommy, it hurts.”

“I know it does Jack.” Emily tried to breathe, holding back her anger and sadness. “Please let Mommy check it out; I just want you to be OK.”

Jack finally relinquished his arm and Emily felt it up and down. He whined and winced but didn’t scream. She was no doctor but she didn’t think it was broken. He probably just fell on it with his weight when Hotch pushed him. Oh my God, Hotch had actually shoved their son.

She hardly had a moment to think about it when she heard a massive crash come from downstairs. It scared Emily to death, and it was followed by more loud noises. It sounded as if a wrecking ball was running right through the middle of her house. She jumped up off the bed, talking to her son as she ran out.

“Don’t you move Jack…don’t move until I come back.”

He nodded, turning over on his side and crying some more. Emily was back in a few minutes with Sabrina. The toddler was still asleep as she laid her down beside her brother.

“I need you to look after your sister.” Emily said. “I'm gonna lock you in this room Jack and you are not to open the door for any reason until I come back. Do you understand me?”

“What's going on, Mommy? Why is Daddy so mad?”

“I don't know,” she caressed his face as her tears spilled over. “Stay here and only open the door when Mommy comes back. You only open it for Mommy.”

“OK.” Jack nodded as he sniffled. He put a protective arm over his sleeping sister as Emily locked the door from the inside and closed it.

She rushed downstairs just as she had when she heard Jack screaming. What she walked in on was almost as insane. Her den was destroyed. The TV had been thrown onto the floor. The photographs on the walls were all shattered and so were the ones on the mantle.

The glass coffee table was now in pieces all over the floor. Chairs were turned over, lamps thrown against the wall, books and magazines in tatters. Emily looked at her husband. She looked at this stranger who looked like her husband. He was standing in the middle of the floor. Hotch just stood there as if he too wanted to know how it all happened.

“I want you to get out of my house.” She said as calmly as she could manage. “You get out of my house or I will call the police.”

Hotch looked at her. His eyes looked dead but there were also tears in them. There were no words for him to say; he’d finally crossed the line you just don’t cross. He wasn’t going to try to talk Emily out of it. He wasn’t going to plead his case. He’d done this. He’d destroyed everything and his marriage too.

“Emily…”

“Don’t.” she held up her hand while shaking her head. “We’re done. I don’t even know…no, we’re just done. Get out Aaron. Don’t make me tell you again.”

Hotch walked past her, their shoulders brushing as he left the den. When Emily heard the door close behind him, she sat down on the couch. She took another look around her destroyed den and then put her face in her hands. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She couldn’t believe that her husband, who had his share of demons but was a loving man, had turned into a raging maniac.

How long had this been boiling inside of him? Had he lay beside her those first few nights with thoughts of hurting her? Emily was so grateful that the fight outside of his car hadn't turned into a physical altercation. If this was what he was capable of then Hotch could’ve really hurt her.

He could’ve really hurt Jack out of anger just as she knew his father had done to him on so many occasions. She was sure that Hotch had lost his mind. He’d lost his mind and now he was out there on the loose with his anger and helplessness. Getting herself together, Emily went into the kitchen and dialed the telephone.

“Hello.”

“Morgan, its Emily.”

“Hey Em, what's going on? You don’t sound right.”

“I just put Aaron out. I don’t want to get into it but I think he's lost his mind and I put him out. You have to find him. I don’t want him to hurt anyone or himself. You have to find him, Morgan.”

“Are you alright?” Derek asked. “Did he hurt you?”

“No. Please find him.”

“I will. I'm heading out right now. Anyplace in particular he might go when he's having a tough time.”

“How would I know?” she asked.

“C'mon Em, I need your help.”

“Do you know Megan Kane? Maybe you can start there.”

“Whatever you're thinking about Hotch and Megan…”

“I don’t give a damn, Derek. If she can help him, more power to her. I have to go.”

“I’ll find him and I’ll take care of everything.”

Emily just hung up the phone. She needed to go upstairs and check on her children. Hotch couldn’t be her top priority right now. She had to focus on Jack, Sabrina, and herself. She thought after five years she would finally get help on that front but it might never come.

It didn’t matter; Emily was strong. She didn’t want to do it alone but she would. She would and she would succeed. It wasn’t worth holding on to Hotch if the relationship was toxic and a dangerous situation for her kids. She clearly couldn’t give him the help he needed.

***

“I'm staying with my friends Derek and Penelope. We work at the FBI together and it was nice of them to open their door to me. That’s why I'm not properly dressed today. I couldn’t go home; I had to buy new clothes.”

“I hope you didn’t think that you had to wear your service uniform to every session.” Erin said. “I want you to dress in the way you're most comfortable, Colonel Hotchner. I think we should talk a little about why you're staying with Derek and Penelope.”

She took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She made a mental note after 15 minutes of one word answers and cagey silence never to make Aaron Hotchner her last appointment of the day. By then she was too tired for psychological warfare and they wouldn’t get anything accomplished. She always needed to see him before 11am.

“My wife threw me out on Tuesday evening.” Hotch replied.

“What happened, Colonel?”

“Please stop calling me that. No one calls me that and it feels very uncomfortable. I mean, in the battlefield, yes, I'm a Colonel. But thank God I'm not on the battlefield anymore…at least not one in Afghanistan. Calling me Aaron is fine; in fact I insist.”

Erin wanted to tell him that he didn’t get to insist in her office but she let it go. She would have to give this patient a little rope. Perhaps reciprocity might actually lead to getting some things accomplished. If he didn’t want to be called Colonel, that was fine with her.

“What happened on Tuesday evening, Aaron?” she repeated.

“I lost my mind.”

“I would really appreciate it if you elaborated.”

“My son disobeyed me and when I called him on it he yelled at me. He’s four years old. I lost my temper with him, and then I destroyed my den.”

“When you say you lost your temper, what do you mean?”

“I pushed him down.” Hotch didn’t want to say it aloud but knew he needed to. “I pushed down my little boy because I was angry. It was inexcusable and my wife threw me out.”

“Do you think she's afraid of you?”

“I think that um, the past couple of weeks have been hard on us. That’s my fault.”

“Why do you think it’s your fault, Aaron?”

“Emily didn’t do anything. She loves me and has always supported me. I've been acting like an idiot but I don’t know how to stop. She has this friend, a man, and I hate him. She refuses to stop being friends with him but what kind of sense does it make for a married woman to be friends with a single man? I was gone for a year and a half…he wants my wife. I'm sure of it. He can't have her; she's my wife.”

“But she kicked you out.” Erin said.

“I know that.” Hotch replied through clenched teeth. “I'm going to fix this.”

“Do you have any idea how?”

“No.” he shook his head. “I’ll figure it out. I have to.”

“So there is a man, a friend, in your wife’s life?” Erin asked.

“I'm not going to talk about that right now.”

“Alright, so let’s talk about your friends. Do you have single female friends?”

“Not really. My sister-in-law, my first wife’s sister, was single for a while but I introduced her to my best friend and they’ve been married for six years. Penelope used to be single but she's not my type…not that I look at her that way. Most of my friends are male or women in relationships with men I know; couples friends.”

“So you don’t have a _single_ single female friend? Not one?”

“What are you asking me?”

“I'm not trying to interrogate you, Aaron. I just want you to be honest with me. If you're not it’s because you're not being honest with yourself. You’ll never get help if you can't face the hard truths.”

“I wouldn’t call her my friend.” He replied sighing.

“What would you call her? Are you lovers?”

“I would never…I love my wife.”

“Then what would you call her, Aaron?” Erin asked.

“I don't know.”

“Does she have a name?”

“Megan.” Hotch cleared his throat and repeated it a bit louder. “Please, I don't want to talk about Megan.”

“Can you tell me why not? Is she very important to you?”

“I knew her in Afghanistan. She worked in um…communications.”

“I understand.”

“Do you?” Hotch looked up at Erin.

“Yes.” She nodded. “Women in her field have been going to war with the boys since the beginning of time.”

“It’s not like that.”

“So you never had sexual relations with her?”

“I can't talk about that.” he said.

“Aaron, I told you that everything we discuss is confidential. I'm not allowed to discuss it with anyone without your express permission.”

“But everything I say will determine what you write up in that report of yours.”

“Do you think having an affair makes you unfit to reenter society?” Erin asked.

“It wasn’t an affair!” he exclaimed his eyes flashing brimstone.

“What do you want to call it then?” she was unmoved by his anger. It was in her best interest to be so.

“It wasn’t an affair. It was just…it happened a few times. I have to live with the consequences of that but it did happen.”

“This was in Afghanistan?”

“Yeah.” Hotch nodded.

“And it hasn’t happened since you returned?” Erin asked.

“No.”

“But you're still seeing her?”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“I don’t know anything Aaron; I'm asking. Your reaction tells me that the answer is yes.”

“I've tried to stop but I can't help myself. I haven’t seen her since Independence Day and I doubt I will again.”

“Do you have any idea why you can't help yourself?” Erin asked.

“She keeps the demons quiet.” He said.

“What about Emily? She can't keep the demons quiet?”

“She doesn’t even know that these demons exist.”

“Have you thought about telling her?”

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This isn’t just about Afghanistan, Dr. Strauss. I wish to God it were.”

“This is a good beginning Aaron. I'm seeing you crack that door just a little bit and it’s important and it’s good. Next time I want to talk a little about the demons.”

“I've got a week to prepare myself, huh?” he almost smiled but didn’t quite make it.

“These sessions are for you too. No one ever said therapy was easy. If they did, it was a boldfaced lie. You have to hold a mirror up to yourself and see all the things inside. It could make you angry, sad, frustrated, and you might feel like you're losing before you're winning.”

“Ma'am, you are not making a positive pitch for your craft.”

“The thing about therapy is that it’s impossible without the patient.” Erin got up from the chair she sat in and walked over to her desk. “Without your input, I have no purpose. Sure, I can ask the questions but if you don’t answer them then there's nowhere to go. I know you're not thrilled about being here. But you’ve still got seven more visits and perhaps you make some leeway that could lead to your wife letting you back into the house.”

“She told me its over.” Hotch replied. “I doubt that’s going to happen.”

“Well then maybe you can make enough leeway to be able to handle the consequences of that.”

Hotch didn’t think that was possible. He also wasn’t sure just how helpful therapy was going to be. He had no intention of rehashing things that happened to him before puberty. He didn’t want to talk about his mother and he damn sure didn’t want to talk about his father. Still, Hotch knew that he wanted to get better enough.

He at least wanted to get back to the place he was before being called up for active duty in Iraq. He could live from that place; he could survive there. Where he was at now, Hotch didn’t think he could survive another moment. Was it possible for therapy to work if you only gave up half of the story? And how long would all of this take? Was there a seven visit guarantee…could Erin Strauss make a miracle?

“Do you have any last thoughts before we wrap this up?” Erin walked over and gave him his next appointment card.

“I Google’d you.”

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

“So many articles, blogs, and testimonials say that you're the best at what you do.”

“I don’t want to brag about my credentials, Aaron.”

“I just want to know…have you helped a lot of people?”

“Yes I have.” Erin nodded.

“And what's the average amount of time it might take to get back on an even keel?”

“I can tell you that after five years of active duty and three tours in two wars that its gonna be a hell of a lot longer than your seven free visits.”

Nodding, Hotch stood and slipped the appointment card in his jeans pocket. He already knew that was going to be her answer. He needed to hear it aloud; needed to just have it out in the open. Why, he wasn’t exactly sure but now that it was it was something for Hotch to hold on to.

***

Emily hated to say that she was avoiding him because that was never something she would actively do. She had to proctor two tests last week after the major meltdown of her marriage. She had one on Wednesday and one Thursday. While she was doing that she was also cleaning her house, changing her locks, and sending her children to stay with her parents for a little while so she could make sense of things.

On Friday she went to her small office on campus, which she shared with another PhD student, Katherine Cole. Emily packed up a few things and quickly made her way off campus. She wasn’t doing any teaching or proctoring for Summer II courses. Unable to help herself, she did take a detour past his office but no one was around. She didn’t know whether to be grateful or upset about that.

Now it had been two weeks since her frantic phone call to him from the side of the road. It had been hard not to reach out to him; Emily was used to talking practically everyday. But Jason hadn't called her either in that time. She couldn’t figure out why but again didn’t know whether to be grateful or upset. When she called him last night, Jason seemed relieved that she was well. Of course he wanted to meet up, grab a bite, and talk. He was just coming back into town from visiting his son in Manhattan.

So Emily waited for him at an outside table at the Isis Café in Alexandria. She didn’t want to meet in DC in case they ran into Hotch there. It seemed improbable but with her luck she didn’t want to risk it. She hadn't seen her husband since she threw him out either. According to Derek he was alive, safe, and staying with him.

Other than that there was no communication between the couple. Jack asked once or twice when Daddy was coming home. He seemed to have forgotten about the shoving incident and Emily thought that was for the better. She always told her son that she didn’t know. Daddy needed to handle some business and she just wasn’t sure how long he would be gone.

“Hey.” Jason walked up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. He could only smile when Emily reached up to caress it.

“Hi.”

He came around to sit across from her at the small table. She looked tired and sad; Jason didn’t like it one bit. But as he looked deeper into her eyes still saw that fire there. As long as that was never extinguished Emily would be alright.

“I ordered you an herbal iced tea but I didn’t want to get lunch until you arrived. I know you can be a picky eater.”

“I am not a picky eater, I'm…OK, I'm a picky eater. I think that’s step 5 on my way to becoming a crotchety old man.”

“Never.” She laughed a bit.

Jason was so happy to be able to make her laugh. He didn’t think he would ever get the night of July 4th out of his head. It took him longer than he would've liked to get to her at that Circle K parking lot in Chevy Chase. By then it had started to rain and Emily was wet when she climbed into his Woody. They didn’t talk on the ride back to his Georgetown apartment; didn’t say a single word to each other.

Once they were inside, Jason told her that she needed to change out of her wet clothes before she caught a cold. There were casual clothes in his top dresser drawer. They might be a little big but were better than nothing. Emily just nodded and went into his bedroom. While she was gone, Jason put on the kettle for tea.

 _“I don’t know what I would've done if you hadn't come and picked me up.” She said, sitting down at his counter._

 _“What happened?” he asked._

 _“I don't know.” She shrugged. “One minute we were talking like normal people and the next it was just insanity. I wasn’t comfortable in his presence.”_

 _“Were you afraid?”_

 _“I don't know; I just know I wasn’t comfortable.”_

 _“Well you're alright now.”_

 _“No.” Emily shook her head. “I'm just not standing in the rain anymore.”_

 _“Drink this.” Jason gave her a cup of tea. “It'll help you sleep. You can have the bed.”_

 _“No Jason, I couldn’t.”_

 _“You're my guest; I insist.”_

 _“The couch will be fine.”_

 _“The couch sucks.” He managed a small smile. “Katya…”_

 _“Please. I just don’t think that sleeping in your bed is the appropriate thing to do.”_

 _“Oh. OK, I understand that. I’ll grab some sheets and pillows. I’ll do my best to make it comfortable for you.”_

 _He walked out of the kitchen, headed for the hall closet when Emily stopped him. She stood up from the stool and wrapped her arms around him. Jason exhaled as he held her close. The rain had only enhanced the fragrance of her skin. He committed the scent to memory._

 _“You’ve gone above and beyond the call of friendship.” She whispered. “I don’t even know how to thank you.”_

 _“We’re friends, and I don’t think I've gone above and beyond. I'm sure you would've done the same for me.”_

 _“Jason…”_

 _“Shh,” he put his finger on her lips. “Stop it. You don’t need to thank me for anything.”_

 _Emily nodded, accepting that for the time being. She hugged him tight again and kissed his cheek. Then she kissed his lips. She kissed his lips and while it was more than chaste it wasn’t exactly passionate. Jason moved away from her, a wounded look in his dark eyes. She’d gone too far. Emily had gone too far and there was no way for her to turn around and go back._

 _“We’ll get the couch nice and comfy.” He said, turning to walk to the closet. “You might not even need Motrin in the morning for your back.”_

“You're right.” Jason said as he looked over the café’s menu. “I think it might be Step 3.”

“Stop it.” Emily reached for his hand, covering it with her own.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I'm getting by; the kids are with my parents right now. I just needed time to clear my head and figure out what I'm going to do.”

“How's Aaron?”

“I don't know, Jason.”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked him to leave last Tuesday. I haven’t seen him since.”

“What? What happened?”

“He got angry at Jack and shoved him. Jack was screaming when I ran into the room. I know he didn’t mean to hurt him but it was such a scary moment. And while I was upstairs tending to my son, Hotch destroyed the den in a rage.”

“Oh my God. Did he hurt you, Emily?”

“No. I asked him to leave and he did. I haven’t seen him since.”

“Have you spoken to him? Is there any communication at all?”

“I haven’t called him and he hasn’t tried to call me either. Natalie says he hasn’t come by the house or called there. I know he's staying with Derek Morgan. I think my marriage is over.”

“I'm so sorry to hear that.” this time he took her hand. Jason gave her a reassuring squeeze. “You love him so much. Do you think there's a chance you two can work it out?”

“I wish I could answer that. Aaron has some things that he needs to work through and obviously he can't do that when he's with me.”

“What are you saying?” Jason asked.

“I'm not even sure.”

“Is there another woman? How is that possible; he's been overseas this whole time? Is she military?”

Megan Kane was not in the military but Emily was well aware that the beautiful blonde loved her servicemen. She loved to service men. The thought of her husband curled up with a call girl when he was supposed to be fighting for Corp and Country made Emily sick. But she didn’t know what the nature of Hotch and Megan Kane’s relationship was. She knew she wasn’t going to play dumb though.

Things happened in war zones that she couldn’t even begin to want to comprehend. They were so far apart and Hotch faced so many nightmarish situations. She couldn’t say she was OK with what might have happened between them; she would never be OK with that. But she also wasn’t going to hold what happened 7,000 miles and an ocean away against him. What she wouldn’t stand for was the affair continuing right under her nose.

“Can we not talk about it anymore?” Emily asked. “I did not invite you to lunch so that we could lament about my life falling apart.”

“You know you can talk to me.” he said.

“I absolutely know that, and I appreciate it. But right now I want to talk about you, Jason. How was Manhattan? How was seeing Stephen?”

Emily knew that Jason and his son were estranged. She also knew how much that hurt him, even if he felt like much it was his fault. Jason was about to answer her when the server arrived to take their orders. He ordered the turkey club, hold the bacon, and another herbal iced tea. Emily wanted the grilled chicken salad, extra chicken, no onions, and honey mustard dressing. She wasn’t ready for a refill on her mango banana strawberry smoothie.

“He’s doing well. It was a short visit, just dinner, but I also met up with an old friend and spent the next day being a tourist. Manhattan is a lovely place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”

“I think I need to get away.” Emily replied. “What do you think of a tropical paradise?”

“Take plenty of sunscreen.”

“Would you come with me?”

“No.” he shook his head.

“Why not?”

“Emily, if you ever want to reconcile with your husband you don’t need to go on vacation with me.” Jason said.

“We’re friends.” She said. “Friends go on vacations together all the time. C'mon, we can go on one of those cruises to the Caribbean or something.”

“Of course we’re friends and we always will be. I know that I'm not a transparent man but even a fool knows how I feel about you. I’ll be OK, we’ll be OK. But it might not stay that way if we go away together.”

“What about a long weekend?” Emily asked hopefully. “South Carolina is calling my name; you would love it this time of year.”

“Call Jordan…she’s always looking for an excuse to get out of work.”

“That is so true.” she managed a smile before sighing. “I'm sorry for putting you in this position. I'm just…things are fucked up.”

“Yeah they are.” Jason nodded. “But you're going to be OK. You’ve made it this far and I have the utmost faith in your strength and depth of character. I also have your back, Emily Prentiss-Hotchner; always and forever. No matter what, I'm going to be there for you. You can't lose me.”

Emily smiled when she looked down and they were still holding hands across the table. Jason was right; there was a lot she had to get through. What she was feeling sitting across the table from him wasn’t going to help matters.

Emily was smart enough to know that they were just misplaced feelings for the man who always put her first. It had been a long time since a man, or anyone really, had done that. She had no idea what was going to happen to her marriage. Whatever it was, it needed to happen before anything did with Jason.

***

“When were you going to tell me?” Sam asked as he maneuvered LeBron James straight down the middle for a devastating dunk.

“What?” Hotch asked as his Jason Kidd just stood there and let it happen. There wasn’t going to be a triple double tonight.

“That duffle bag over there has some clothes and toiletries in it that you might need. Jessie went to pick it up when I told her you were coming by today.”

“Sam…”

“I'm not gonna play the wounded best friend, Aaron. Well, I am the wounded best friend but I'm not gonna play the emotionally wounded best friend. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Have you talked to Emily?” Hotch countered.

“Yeah.” Sam put the game on pause. Hotch hadn't been that into it anyway. He’d never beat him in the past and now Sam was suddenly kicking his ass.

“What did she say?”

“Uh uh, we don’t do that to each other. I'm not going to talk about that.”

“You're my best friend, not hers.” There was defensiveness in Hotch’s tone.

“What happened, Aaron? Stop pussyfooting and talk to me. Or don’t, you know that’s always been your choice.”

Sam wouldn’t admit how hurt he was that he and Aaron barely talked in the nearly six weeks he’d been home. He called him a few times, left voicemails, but the calls were never returned. Hotch seemed to be falling through space and it was something he wanted to do on his own. Sam wasn’t going to let that happen. And he might not have the physical strength that he used to but he wasn’t above kicking his best friend in the ass.

“I messed up.” Hotch said. “I really messed up. Emily kicked me out of the house.”

“Do you have any idea how you're gonna fix it?” Sam asked.

“I don’t know if it can be fixed. I crossed a line that should never be crossed and I hurt people.”

“What happened Aaron?”

“I shoved Jack, Sam. I shoved my son and then destroyed my den in a rage. I was inhuman…for a few minutes I was nothing but a monster. I'm afraid to think what would've happened if Emily would've tried to stop me instead of coming in after I was done.”

“Why did you shove Jack?” Sam asked.

“He was being too loud. And when I told him to stop he yelled at me. He actually yelled at me. I mean, he’s the child and I'm the parent; you don’t talk to your parents like that. So I yelled back and it escalated from there.

“Who in their right mind yells at a little boy? He’s four and yes, I should've disciplined him for talking back to me. But my reaction was inappropriate. I was no better than my old man in that moment. I shoved him as if he was just an inconvenience to me.” Hotch sighed, leaning back on the couch and closing his eyes.

“When it happened, Sam, I could see it in slow motion and even tried to stop it. As my anger was rising I knew it was wrong; knew I needed to keep control. I couldn’t do it though, no matter how much I told myself to. I wanted him to shut up and he wouldn’t so I shut him up. Good God, that’s horrible.”

“It doesn’t make you an angel, no. Jessie and I actually have a rule. Michael can make as much noise as he wants…outside. The noise gets to me too but I can't let the things that affect me affect my son. He’s three years old and likes to make noise. Other than grabbing the occasional pot and spoon for the times he wants to channel Keith Moon, this works for us.”

“Has he ever made you so angry that you can't see straight, Sam? Has Jessie?”

“I can't say that they have. But I can say that there are times when my frustration gets the better of me. I may have taken out that frustration on my wife and son. It makes me feel awful but I've done it. It hasn’t happened in a while. I'm getting better with my coping. I'm getting better with my time outs. It’s truly one day at a time, and on the bad days its one hour at a time.”

“I started seeing a doctor.” Hotch said. “I don’t have a lot of choice in the matter but I think I need to use this to my advantage.”

“Who are you seeing?” Sam asked.

“Erin Strauss.”

“She's one of the best. What do you mean by having no say in the matter?”

“It’s required before I reenter civilian life to get a clean bill of mental and physical health. I've seen her a few times and I don't know if it’s helping or not. I still haven’t found the courage to call my wife or see my kids. I haven’t seen them in two weeks and I miss them.”

“They miss you too.” Sam replied.

“Did Emily tell you that she's through with me? Look, I know you'd never betray her confidence and I can appreciate that but I have to know. Is she through with me? Has Jason Gideon made his move and taken my family?”

“Jason Gideon, are you serious?”

“Oh c'mon Sam, it’s so obvious.”

“What's so obvious?”

“He's in love with Emily. He’s spent more times with my kids than I have.”

“Could that be because you were in Afghanistan and he was here? He’s not trying to steal your wife.”

“How do you know?” Hotch asked, raising his voice. “How do any of us know what his motives are?”

“His motives? What is this, Aaron, a murder trial? Do you even know Jason? Have you taken the time to get to know him since you’ve been home?”

“Fuck him, Sam. I need to get to know my family, friends, and loved ones again. I don’t have time for this stranger.”

“OK, fine, then think about it this way…do you think Emily would just run off with some other man? Do you really think that little of her? She's been in love with you since the day you guys met. Everyone who knows you two knows that.

“Do you think she would just let some guy come in and sweep her off her feet when all she’s wanted for the past five years is for her man to come home? I hope you know how insane that sounds. I'm not saying that you're an awful person for thinking it; sometimes it can be impossible to control our thoughts. I'm just saying I hope you know how insane it sounds.”

Hotch didn’t say anything, he just sat there on the couch. It was all insane; there was a part of Hotch that was sure that he was going insane. He couldn’t stop the thoughts running through his head, he couldn’t stop the feelings. He alternated between crying, raging, and just staring into space.

Whenever he had a conversation with someone it always deteriorated into an argument or a battle. Nothing was helping. He wanted Erin Strauss to help but he was still facing resistance from inside himself. What she said was right; therapy was impossible without the patient. He had to break through and get the help that he needed.

“I've have a lot of work to do.” he whispered.

“You're going to have a ton of support while you do it.” Sam replied. “But you’ve got to be open to it.”

“I need time Sam. I need some time to get myself together before I open myself to anything. You understand that, right?”

“Hell yes.” Sam nodded.

He wanted to be alone the first couple of months after he flew home to Bethesda Naval Hospital and then rehab. He pushed Jessie away, telling her he didn’t know how long it would be for. He had to get himself together and it was a journey he had to take on his own. Once he was able to get some grasp on Sam Kassmeyer the man, then he could work on Sam the husband, the father, and the friend.

He had the double whammy of dealing with both his physical and mental ailments. It was so much easier to pretend everything was fine while he struggled just to recover and walk again. “I'm still here though. Can I call you once a week and check in?” Sam didn’t want to ask Hotch if he could check up on him. He knew how much he hated that so Hotch wasn’t going to be any different.

“Yeah, of course you can. And thank Jessie for going and getting me some clothes. I had to buy all new stuff. I'm working with like four outfits. I felt like I was in college again.”

“I'm thinking that even in college you had a closet full of crisp, clean clothes.”

“What if I told you I was actually like Otter in _Animal House_?” Hotch asked.

“I wouldn’t believe you. C'mon, pick up that joystick. Let’s take some of this out on the Mavericks and Cavaliers.”

Hotch nodded and grabbed his controller. Sam took the game off pause so they could play again. Sometimes they didn’t need to talk; they just needed to share space and energy. Hotch never had a best friend until he met Sam and he was practically in his mid 30s then. They really could be an invaluable source of comfort and normality. Right now that was what Hotch needed the most.

***

“I need to talk to you guys about something that’s really important. I know that you won't understand everything I'm trying to tell you but I want to tell you anyway. OK?”

“OK Daddy.” Jack and Bree said in unison.

It was a stormy Thursday morning and Hotch finally came to see his kids. He couldn’t take it anymore; he missed them and he needed to see them. It was hard to call the Prentisses and say as much but Hotch swallowed his pride and fear. It had been sixteen days since Emily told him to get out. He didn’t want the kids to think any of this was their fault, even if they were too young to understand quite what was happening.

Hotch got Gregory when he called, which was better, and the men had a long talk. His father-in-law told him that of course he could come over and see the kids. Emily told him what happened and while he was disappointed, he knew that Hotch was going through a lot of things right now. Maybe a visit with Jack and Sabrina would make him feel a little better.

So he sat on the couch in his in-law’s living room with his daughter at his lap and his son at his side. Hotch couldn’t believe the look on the kids’ faces when they saw him. Both ran straight to his arms calling ‘Daddy, Daddy’. He was floored that after all he felt like he put them through, especially Jack, they seemed to miss him as much has he missed them.

“Daddy hasn’t been feeling well lately and that’s why I left home for a little while.”

“When I'm sick, Mommy takes my temperature and gives me soup.” Jack said.

“I know buddy but it’s not that kind of sick.”

“What wrong?” Bree asked, putting her hands on her father’s cheeks.

Hotch smiled and kissed her nose. She had her mother’s nose. In fact, she was the spitting image of Emily and holding her so close right now made him miss his wife even more than he did a few minutes before.

“While I was in the desert I had some problems. Now that I'm back its hard to put those problems away and focus on being your daddy. So I left for a little while so I can get help with that. I know it’s hard to understand but just know that I love you both so much that I will do anything to be a good daddy to you. I hate that we’re not together right now. In the end I'm doing this so we never have to be separated again.”

“How long are you gonna be gone, Daddy?” Jack asked.

“I don’t know, Jack. I wish I could answer but I don’t know. But don’t worry, this isn’t gonna be like when I was in the desert. Mommy and I are gonna work out times when I can see you.”

“Aren't you gonna see Mommy too?” Jack asked.

“I can't answer that right now.”

“Why not?” Jack pressed.

Hotch took a deep breath. He should've known the little boy would have a million questions; he always did. He had to answer them without getting upset…that’s what got him into this mess in the first place.

“Daddies don’t always have all the answers, buddy.” He replied. “Just know that I love you and I'm sorry that we have to be apart right now. It’s for a really good reason.”

“OK.” Jack said. He threw his arms around his father and his sister as well since she was sitting in his lap. “I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too. I love you more than anything and I will never hurt you or push you down or make you feel small ever again. You are amazing and mean everything to me.”

“Me too Daddy.”

Hotch kissed Jack and then he kissed Bree. She smiled at him, wiping the tears from his cheek.

“Daddy cry.” She said.

“Sometimes it’s OK for Daddies to cry. I miss you guys and I wish I could stay longer but there's someplace else I have to go.”

He picked Bree up from his lap and put her back on the floor with her Duplo blocks. Hotch bent to kiss her raven hair, something else she got from her mother, and then ran his fingers over it.

“When you coming back, Daddy?” Jack asked.

“I'm not sure but I’ll call you either tonight or tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart. Can I have another hug?”

Jack smiled as he jumped off the couch and into his father’s arms. Hotch held him tight and hardly wanted to let him go. But he did; he left Jack and Bree playing in the living room as he went into the study to say goodbye to their grandfather.

“I have an appointment I can't miss Gregory, so I'm going to go now.”

“How are you feeling?” the former Ambassador asked as he stood up from his desk.

“I have a long way to go and honestly I don’t even know if Emily will take me back. As much as it pains me to say it, I can't let it be my top concern right now. I'm not just trying to get better so that I can get back in the house. I have to live the rest of my life. I can't do it with what I'm working with right now.”

“A lot of our soldiers are facing exactly what you are. This war is destroying people at home and in the battlefield. We’re doing the best we can but we’re up against a juggernaut. I've known you for almost a decade; I look at you and I see your struggle. I know your strength and to see you like this pains me. It pains my little girl and my grandkids too. I respect you for walking away and getting yourself together.”

“Actually Emily kicked me out but,” Hotch smirked. “I deserved it and it was probably for the best. I think I was using her silent compliance as a buffer to keep pretending that nothing was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.”

“I hope you get all the help you need, Aaron.” Gregory extended his hand. “You know that you have my support, Natalie’s too, in whatever way you need it.”

“I appreciate it, Ambassador.” Hotch shook his hand. “I love my family and plan to do everything in my power to get them back. I don’t want to half-ass though; this might be a long journey.”

“Well, we’ve already been on one. A little longer is not so bad when the right resolution is at the end of the road.”

Hotch nodded. He said goodbye to his father-in-law and then went to the front door. Opening it, he came face to face with his wife. Emily jumped back in fear.

“You scared me; I didn’t expect the door to open.” She said as he stepped onto the porch. Emily looked at him as if she hadn't recognized who it was initially. When she saw it was Hotch she went from looking at his eyes to his shirt. “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to see the kids. It’s been 16 days and I didn’t want them thinking it was anything they did that drove me away. I know what that’s like; I don’t want my kids to know that feeling.”

“How are you, Aaron?”

“I go up and down, then down a little bit more. I'm seeing Dr. Strauss once a week but it hasn’t gotten past the surface yet. I know that’s more my fault than hers. I'm told this process can be strenuous.”

“That’s putting it mildly in some cases.” Emily replied.

“I need to apologize for what happened that night, Emily. You had every right to put me out…I had lost my mind. For a moment I was my own father and it scared the hell out of me.”

“I hope you're getting the help you need.” Her tone was formal.

Hotch picked up on it immediately. She’d already invested so much of herself in him and she couldn’t invest anymore. He wanted to be mad at her for that. Who was he kidding; he was mad at her for that. At the same time Hotch needed to take into account how much of herself Emily had sacrificed to keep the home fires burning. She left her job at the State Department to care for their children.

She raised them alone for practically the entirety of their lives. She worried about him being killed over there everyday just to have him come home and be a stranger to her. She surely suspected he was unfaithful and might still be. Hotch knew all of this. He also knew he just wasn’t ready to break it all down for her. He wasn’t sure when, or if, he ever would be.

“I'm trying.” He said. “I think you know that I've been staying with Derek and Penelope. I'm afraid I might be wearing out my welcome so I'm going to look for my own place soon. I don’t need anything fancy, just someplace to call my own.”

“You're…” Emily couldn’t even finish the sentence. He was going to get his own place? What did that mean? Was it really over?

“It’s for the best.” He said.

“You have to do what's best for you, Aaron.” She nodded, unable to stop her head from moving once it started.

“I just think…”

“I have to go.” She moved past him, going into the house and closing the door behind her.

Hotch stood and looked at the closed door for a few moments. He wanted to say more, do more, but it was too soon. He had to keep going, no matter how much it pained him. That’s what he’d done in Afghanistan to survive and he would do the same here. Sometimes he thought the stakes might be even greater. So he walked down the steps, got into his car, and went to his therapy session.

***

“I know that I've been to two deserts in the past five years but this weather is ridiculous.” Hotch took the bottle of water Erin offered. It was his second in a half hour. “It’s killing me; I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.”

“Take a few deep breaths, Aaron.” She sat down in the chair across from him and crossed her legs. “It has been rather warm the past few days.”

“Rather warm? Dr. Strauss, you can't be serious. The mercury is going to 102 today with 99% humidity, which will make it feel like 115. 115 is not fit for human beings.” He leaned his head back on the couch. “Maybe in the desert where there was little humidity to speak of, but here…dear God. I've really been struggling with this. I called to check on the kids today; I wanted Natalie to keep them inside under the air. This weather is killing people.”

“How are Jack and Sabrina?” Erin asked, turning him from the subject of the weather. She wasn’t sure if he was using it to avoid talking about something else or not. He seemed quite passionate about it. She wanted to transfer that passion to something that could help him heal the cracks.

“They're fine.”

“How often do you see them?”

It was August now, five weeks since Emily put Hotch out of the house. After two weeks with Derek and Penelope, he ventured out to find a place of his own. He didn’t have to go too far. Morgan bought, restored, and rented houses as his side project. He had a little house in The Palisades neighborhood of DC so he offered it to Hotch.

He wasn’t gonna charge his friend rent, hoped he wouldn’t be away from his family for too much longer. Hotch refused to be a charity case…he was going to pay Morgan what anyone else would. Derek refused to accept more than $500 a month for the two bedroom house. It was nothing but Hotch wouldn’t fight anymore.

They shook on it and now he was living there. He bought a couch, some chairs, and a little furniture. He also bought a bedroom set for his room and a big bed for the other bedroom. Hotch didn’t know if he would ever keep his kids overnight but it was better to be prepared. This might be his place for a while. He needed to accept that and move on to conquer bigger mountains.

“I've been seeing them twice a week for the past three weeks. Natalie is always there; I understand that even if I don’t love it. It’s not worth getting angry about. All that matters to me is seeing my kids. No matter how I feel, seeing them lifts my spirits.”

“What about Emily?”

“What about her?” Hotch asked.

“When’s the last time you saw her or talk to her?” Erin asked.

“I saw her three weeks ago when I went to her parents’ house to see the kids.”

“Did you talk?”

“Dr. Strauss, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

Hotch shrugged. He felt like he was at a plateau with everything he was trying to accomplish. He knew he needed to be talking to her; he just wasn’t entirely sure what he should talk about. When he first came home Hotch knew that he needed to deal with what happened over there. Now that he was separated from his family that had become the main topic. He thought he might be using this issue to cover the others. In turn he would end up getting help for none of it.

“I want to know how I can open up to Emily. We haven’t talked since she kicked me out of the house. I mean, we talked on the porch that day but it was really awkward. She walked away from me. I wanted to stop her but…”

“But what?”

“I was afraid. I thought if I put my hands on her she might get upset and then I’d get upset. I know when I get upset I can do foolish things. My temper used to be something I had total control over. Now, it’s in tatters.”

“Do you think that’s because of the war?” Erin asked.

“I don't know what the cause is.”

“Are you still talking to Megan?”

“Why would you ask me that?” Hotch got defensive.

“Aaron, sometimes I'm going to ask you questions that you don’t like. I would think after five sessions you would know that.”

He sighed. He sipped his water and thought of just ignoring the question or changing the subject.

“Megan and I are through; there's nothing to talk about. I was being a fool and she set me straight. I erased her number out of my phone.”

“Did you memorize it?” Erin asked.

“(202) 555-7019.” He replied.

“Have you thought about calling her?”

“I've thought about it.”

“Why?”

“I don't know.” He said a little louder. “Because she’ll listen to me maybe and I can't get Emily to do that.”

“How do you know that you can't get Emily to do that? Have you tried?”

“No.” he mumbled.

“I want you to try. Lets do a little exercise; lets say that I'm Emily.”

“I don’t want to play that game.”

“This is not a game, Colonel Hotchner, this is your well being we’re talking about.”

“Well there is no therapy without the patient and the patient isn’t interested in this exercise.”

“OK, then why don’t you just file for divorce?”

“What?”

“If you don’t want to talk to your wife then why are you still married?” Erin asked. “You could end this easily and move on with your life. Why don’t you?”

“I don't know.”

“What do you know? Talk to me, Aaron. What you tell me doesn't leave this room. Open your mouth, be honest. What are you afraid of?”

“That she's in love with another man.” Hotch said. “I'm afraid that I've been gone so long that we’re strangers. I'm afraid that the people we were when I got on that plane don’t exist anymore and that the people we've become aren’t compatible. I'm afraid that Jason Gideon can give her something I can't. Are you happy?”

“My happiness isn’t what matters here.” Erin replied.

“I want to apologize to her but it’s so hollow. That’s the shit my father used to do. What the hell does an apology matter when the damage is done?”

“It means a lot if the person apologizing is truly sincere. Tell me what you would say if Emily walked in right now. If she asked you to talk to her like I ask you to talk to me, what would you say?”

Hotch wasn’t sure. He was so sorry for how things had turned out. He was sorry he accused her of things that he never wanted to believe were true. He loved her, needed her, and would do anything he had to make everything right between them. He wanted to be her husband and a good father to his children. All he wanted was to get his family back.

“Do you want your family back because it’s the right thing to want?” Erin asked.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You're a married man, a father. If you walk away from that then you're a quitter; a failure. Is that why you want to stay? Do you not want another divorce under your belt?”

“No.” Hotch shook his head. “I love my wife. I don’t give a damn about what society thinks. I want to be with my wife because she makes me happy. She knows me and loves me.

When she smiles it just brings this joy to my heart that I don’t often get to feel. Oh God, I wish you could just hear her laughter like I hear it.” Hotch smiled just thinking about her. “I remember the first time I really heard Emily laugh.

“All I wanted to do was kiss her. Whenever she laughs I just want to kiss her.” Hotch sighed, clenching his fists. “I want to be overwhelmed when she talks about things I know nothing about like _Doctor Who_. I want to feel her skin on my skin; I want to hold her in my arms while she sleeps. I just want to be the man she loved. I don’t want to be this man that neither one of us knows anymore.”

“So tell her that.”

“If it was that damn easy Doc, I would've done it already. Don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t.” she shook her head. “How many times in our lives have we not done something that was simple? Sometimes it’s so incredibly simple we overlook it.”

“So I should just tell my wife that?” Hotch asked. “Give it to her straight and simple?”

“Yes.” Erin nodded. “What's stopping you? Is it pride?”

“Pride is a sin, Dr. Strauss.”

“Yeah,” she laughed a little. “And your point would be what? What’s stopping you, Aaron?”

“I don't know.”

“Whatever it is, fuck it.”

“I'm sorry?” Hotch actually looked at her. He didn’t know what he’d been looking at up to that point but now he was looking directly into the psychologist’s blue eyes.

“I said fuck it. I'm not going to say that very often so I hope you're listening. Let whatever it is go before you lose your family. Being back with them is not going to cure everything that ails you. Emily also may not immediately open her arms to you just because you express your real feelings. But you're in stasis right now and you’ve got to make a move. Good, bad, or somewhere in between; you’ve got to make a move.”

Hotch nodded. He was tired. He was tired and hot. He also thought he might be coming down with something and just wanted to sleep. Sleeping for a couple of days might be perfect for him. Hotch finished his bottle of water, dropping the empty bottle in the small can beside the couch.

“Doc, I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass but do you mind if we call it early today? I know we have about 15 minutes left but I'm just feeling…” Hotch went to stand up. He swayed a bit and then fell on the floor.

“Aaron!” Erin jumped up from her chair and rushed to his side. His skin was clammy and his pulse spotty but he was alive. She went over to the door, opening it and looking at her assistant. “Tim, call an ambulance. We need some medical assistance in here; hurry.”

***

The sound of thunder rumbled in the distance but that was nothing new. All it did was rain through August and September in DC. There were other sounds in the distance as well. Hotch could hear the playful sounds of his children and the sweet voice of his wife. He could hear the voices of his platoon, shit talking as the walked the roads of Baghdad or the deserts of Afghanistan.

He could hear bombs and people screaming. He heard the last thing Sam said to him, ‘be safe, bro’, before he walked away with that small team and Jill Norris. It was supposed to be nothing more than a routine road check but quickly dissolved into hell. Everything quickly dissolved into hell over there. But Hotch chose to follow the voices of his children, Jack and Sabrina, who weren't in distress.

They were playing a game and the sound of his little girl’s laughter made him want to come closer. But he couldn’t find them; no matter how hard he tried. He walked, he ran, he called out to them and they never responded. It was dark where he was and Hotch wanted to get to the light in the distance and hold his kids.

But he couldn’t run. He could hardly walk. He was so tired that soon he was down to a crawl. He would never stop crawling. The light was so close, so close he could almost reach out and grab it with both hands.

Except that he started to cramp up, all of the muscles in his body began to tense and he cried out in pain. He didn’t care, he wouldn’t stop. Hotch was so close, so close to the voices of his son and daughter. He called their names; hoped they would hear him. He needed them to find him before it was too late.

“Jack? Bree? Jack?”

A soothing voice hushed him as a hand stroked his hair. Hotch moaned in pain. The hands were a comfort, so was the voice, but he had no idea what was happening.

“Jack?”

“No honey, Jack isn’t here.”

“Emily?”

Hotch could hardly believe it when he heard his wife’s voice. It gave him the strength to get up and run. He didn’t give a damn about the pain; he had to get to Emily. Soon he was breaking through the darkness and running right into the blinding whiteness of light.

“Emily?” Hotch’s eyes slowly opened though he didn’t see anything.

“I'm here, Aaron. I'm here.”

“Where's here? Did Dr. Strauss…where is here?”

“You're in the hospital.” She replied.

“What?” he tried to sit up. It was a bad idea. Pain moved through him and he couldn’t help but cry out. That stopped him from moving. It also made his head ring and his vision blur. OK, rule #1, moving was bad. “Oh God, what happened? What happened to Dr. Strauss?”

“Can you try to tell me the last thing you remember?”

“Um…I didn’t feel well. I haven’t been feeling well. I need to end this session early but Erin’s gonna think I'm trying to get away with not talking about feelings. I really don’t feel well; this water’s not helping.”

“You passed out in your doctor’s office.” Emily said. “She called an ambulance and they brought you here.”

“Where’s here?” the fog was starting to lift just a bit but not enough. Aaron wanted answers, his mind was screaming for them, but he didn’t have enough strength to string the words together. Sleep seemed so wonderful right now.

“You're in George Washington University Hospital. They don't know what happened but they plan to run a battery of tests. You came to a little at Dr. Strauss’ office but you were speaking in gibberish and they were afraid you had a stroke. They plan to keep you until they know exactly what's wrong.”

“OK.” Hotch nodded, his eyes closing again. “I have to go and find the kids.”

“The kids are fine Aaron; all you need to do is rest.”

“I can hear them, baby…I'm gonna go find the kids.”

“OK.” She nodded, not sure what else to say. Emily gasped when Hotch took hold of her hand.

“Don’t go. Stay with me, baby; please stay.”

“I'm not going anywhere.” She cleared her throat and willed herself not to cry.

Emily had no idea what was going on. How was it possible that she hadn't spoken to her husband in three weeks? She had no idea if he was well or quite sick. That didn’t make any sense to her but it didn’t make it any less true. How the hell had they gotten to this point? Was it possible to go back or was that just as unhealthy? Emily worried about what lie ahead.

“Jack?” Hotch mumbled in his sleep. “Bree, Daddy’s coming.”

Emily sat down in the chair beside the hospital bed and just held his hand. She wasn’t going to leave. She wouldn’t move from this spot until she knew exactly what was happening. Then she was going to fix everything. It was time. Actually, there was no time left to lose.

***

She would've stayed all night if they let her. Emily tried; she sat there and held Hotch’s hand. She didn’t care if she had to sleep in the chair and she didn’t care that the chair was uncomfortable. She’d already let go once and this was the result…she wasn’t letting go again. Except the nurses came and politely kicked her out around 1am.

They understood she wanted to be there but it just wasn’t feasible. Colonel Hotchner was asleep; the medication they gave him would probably keep him that way until late tomorrow morning. Then after breakfast it would just be a battery of tests. If she wanted to be there for him the nurses suggested that Emily go home and get plenty of rest. Tomorrow would be a very long day.

Wanting to protest but unable to find the strength, Emily let her husband go. She scribbled a note on a piece of paper and left it in his hand. It was simple; ‘they made me leave but I’ll be back. Em’. Then she kissed his hand, kissed his forehead, and left the hospital.

Emily thought it was better to go to her parents’ house, even though she felt horrible for waking her stepmother at that hour. She just wanted to be with her kids. So much had happened in so little time and Emily felt as if she was free-falling. She needed to lie down before she hit the ground with a splat. It looked like that’s what Hotch might have done.

So after a night’s rest, she couldn’t call it peaceful but it was sleep, Emily had breakfast with her parents and children. Jack and Sabrina were waiting for Daddy to visit today. She had to tell them that he wasn’t feeling well so couldn’t come. As soon as he got better their faces were the first he wanted to see. It was hard to deal with their disappointment.

Jack didn’t want to cry, but he did, and then Sabrina did when she saw her brother. Emily did her best to comfort them; their unhappiness broke her heart. She left them in her father’s care, hoping he could make them feel better. Her stepmother drove to the hospital before going into work at the State Department.

“Is he going to be alright?” Natalie asked in the car.

“I don't know.” Emily shook her head. “They’re going to run a bunch of tests to make sure he didn’t have a stroke but its looking more and more like that wasn’t the case. The doctor thinks it was exhaustion, mental and physical. He’s breaking down Nat, and I don’t know how to help him.”

“Then the hospital is the best place for him to be.”

“What if they can't help him either?”

“You can't think like that. I don’t know how I expect you to think but there’s always hope. Aaron is a strong man and he wants to get better.”

“Sometimes want isn’t enough.” Emily whispered.

“I've never seen you so resigned.” Natalie replied.

“I haven’t felt this way in a long time.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I just feel like I deserted him. He needed me and I put him out on the street.”

“The environment his behavior created was dangerous for all of you. It was dangerous for him. You couldn’t risk yourself or your children out of some misplaced loyalty to your husband. You put him out because you loved him, Emily. It was just the kick he needed to know that he was going down the wrong path. He's been getting help now and he's going to get better.”

“Yeah.” Emily nodded, not sure she believed any of it.

She got out of the car at GW Medical Center and went up to the 5th floor where Hotch was staying. Talking to Linda, the morning nurse, Emily learned that Hotch slept through the night. They would serve him breakfast sometime in the next half hour. As she walked down the hall to his room, Emily was surprised to see a beautiful blonde walking out.

She wore a designer pantsuit, white; Emily thought it might be Isaac Mizrahi. Her blouse was red, the first couple of buttons undone, and her hair was pinned in a classic upsweep. She looked like a businesswoman or someone who walked the halls of the Capitol on any given day. But Emily knew she was neither.

“Megan?” she said her name as they came closer.

Megan stopped in her tracks but kept her neutral face. She’d been in this business a long time; most would be surprised to know she never crossed paths with a wife. Well maybe she had but both women chose to keep going their own ways. Despite her profession, Megan had rules about the kind of men she would see and the context of the relationships she forged with them.

Business was business but family was something else altogether. You didn’t break up a family…you went to hell for that. Infidelity, fornication, and prostitution, yeah you probably went for those too. But Megan could live with that. Every whore had her standards.

“You must be Emily.” She said.

“Yes.” Emily nodded.

“I wasn’t even sure if I would come; I know it was totally inappropriate. I apologize for that. I'm breaking one of my own rules as well. But I'm leaving; going to work in London for a year. I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye after I found out Aaron was in the hospital. I'm sorry.” She looked at her shoes. “I probably shouldn’t have come.”

“It’s alright. I want to say something; I want to say a million things. I just wish I knew what it was.”

“I'm not going to be any trouble for you.” Megan replied. “Even if I weren't going away that would be the God’s truth. You’ve got a wonderful husband and I know how much you two love each other. I wish you the best in getting your lives back in order. I've seen a lot of people, families, struggling in the aftermath of deployment.”

“I'm sure you have. Is it possible to want to thank you for being there for him at the same time I want to slap you across the face?” Emily asked.

“I get that more than you'd think.” Megan looked at her watch. “I have to go; I don’t want to miss my plane. Take care Emily.”

“Goodbye.”

She stood there and watched Megan walk down the hallway, the click of her expensive high heels echoing off the linoleum. Emily’s best friend Jordan told her once that she wasn’t sure if her relationship with Hotch would ever work. He seemed like a nice guy but also liked blondes. Emily wasn’t a blonde. She told Jordan at the time that it was ridiculous to judge a man for hair color issues, real or imagined.

Seeing Megan made her think again. On the grand scheme of everything that was happening and had happened, it was a ridiculous thought to have right now. Emily and Hotch had been married for seven years. They were so past things like that.

Sighing, shaking it off, Emily walked into Hotch’s hospital room. He was in bed, his eyes closed. She wasn’t sure if he was asleep but he looked like it. Walking over to him, Emily leaned and kissed his face. Hotch wore a weary smile when he opened his eyes.

“Good morning.” he said.

“Hi. I didn’t want to leave last night; they made me. I know it was probably for the best but I wanted to stay anyway.”

“I read your note.” Hotch was still holding it as a matter of fact. “Are the kids OK?”

“They're fine. I told them you weren't feeling well since they were expecting you today. They were upset but want you to get better soon.”

“They’ll start testing me on everything from brain tumors to the clap in a few hours. I hope they intend to feed me first.”

“The nurse on duty said breakfast should be here within a half hour.” Emily sat in the chair. “I saw Megan leaving.”

She wasn’t sure if she would say anything but the words came out before she could stop them. It was probably for the best…Emily wasn’t good at keeping things in that needed to be out. Her husband looked at her with wide hazel eyes. It may have been fear, maybe it was shame; Emily wasn’t sure.

“How did you know…?”

“I just knew. Your trust wasn’t betrayed by any of your brothers. They would never do something like that. I hope you don’t think we don’t need to get into details…I’d prefer not to.”

“She um, she's leaving for an extended period to do business overseas.” Hotch replied, preferring not to as well.

“I know, she told me.”

“You talked to her?”

“Yes.” Emily nodded. “Aaron, I don’t want to know what happened in Afghanistan, if anything happened. But I do know that she's come to mean something to you, whatever that something is.”

“I'm sorry.” Hotch almost choked on the words. They didn’t have to be hollow just because he’d heard people use them that way in the past. They meant so much to him; they meant everything. “I'm sorry for so many things I don’t even know where to begin.”

“I'm sorry too.” she moved the chair closer to the bed and took his hand.

“Emily, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my children. I know that I have a lot of work to do and it might be a long, hard journey.” Hotch sighed, gripping her hand tighter. He didn’t want to cry but the tears rarely asked permission. “But I want to make it so that I can be with you when I'm better. I love you; I have loved you since our fourth date. I could never figure out how I got so lucky to have a woman like you be even remotely interested in a boring guy like me.

“But you were. You have loved me, supported me, and bore my children. What I've done to you since I came back from Afghanistan has been inexcusable. I'm getting help…I'm doing that for me and for us. You were right for throwing me out no matter how much that hurt. I won't come back until I know that I'm able to handle what I need to handle without losing my temper.”

“OK.” Emily wiped the tears on her face. Then she wiped Hotch’s.

She wanted to say more than that but wasn’t quite sure what to say. She knew that Hotch was struggling. That didn’t surprise her. Still, she thought they were strong enough to get through even the toughest times.

This was going to be the biggest test of their relationship. Failure was not an option as far as Emily was concerned. She never loved anyone like she loved Hotch. She was not afraid to fight for what they had together.

“I think the first thing we need to focus on is getting you better physically.” She said. “We’ll let them do all their tests and hopefully you'll be out of here in the next couple of days. After that…the best way to do this is to work together Aaron.”

“There are some places you can't go with me, Emily.”

“I know that. But we’re not going to be able to save our marriage if we don’t work together on certain aspects.”

“I know.” Hotch nodded. As much as he wanted to be back with her, he knew that right now focusing on his physical and mental health was the best he could do.

“Colonel Hotchner, are you hungry?” a nurse came into the room wearing a sunny smile.

“Are you kidding?” Hotch countered. “I could eat my own arm right now. What’s on the menu today; dry eggs and hard oatmeal?”

“You forgot the rubbery sausage.” The nurse was still smiling and that made Hotch smile too.

She brought over the rolling table and placed the platter on the top. Then she took Hotch’s blood pressure, his temperature, and his blood sugar. After writing down the information in his file, the nurse took two vials of Hotch’s blood.

“How is he doing this morning?” Emily asked.

“Well, while people know that high is bad when it comes to the vitals they don’t realize low can be bad as well. His temperature is within normal range, 97.6 to 99.5; I don’t think he has a fever. But his blood pressure and blood sugar need to be higher to make it to the normal range. We plan to take very good care of him, Mrs. Hotchner.” The nurse turned to Hotch. “Enjoy your breakfast, Colonel.”

“That’s doubtful, but thank you.”

She left and Hotch took the cover from the platter. There was the requisite dry eggs and rubbery sausage. But there was also some fruit salad, which actually looked edible, and wheat toast. Hotch was happy to see a teabag and some warm water, even if it was decaf.

“Mmm, delicious.” He said, rolling his eyes.

Emily laughed, telling him he was going to eat it all. He nodded. There was no point in arguing. All of this, even the rubbery sausage, was for his own good.

***

“You're really going to do this?” Sam asked as he sat down on the couch. Hotch and Morgan had just moved it to a spot that suited Hotch better.

He was trying to make the room more accessible for the kids. He even purchased a small toy chest to keep their things in when they came over and wanted to play.

“The rent’s so damn cheap, I might just stay forever.” Hotch replied.

“Haha.” Morgan quipped, taking a lamp and moving it to the other side of the room. “I got you on a six month lease in my head. After that I might have to send the friends of my friends to remove you from the premises. By the way, what am I getting for all the hard work I'm putting in today.”

“What about my friendship and gratitude?” Hotch asked.

“What about it?”

“There’s beer in the fridge and I thought I’d fire up the grill when it cools off a little more. I'm in the mood for burgers and fries.”

“I can live with that.” Derek sat on the couch beside Sam, finishing off a bottle of water.

“This is the best thing to do, Sam.” Hotch replied. “We all have to recover and we all have to do it in our own way. After what happened with Jack, I just don’t think I should be there right now. Emily feels the same obviously.”

“Have you two even talked about it again?” Sam asked. “You’ve been out of the hospital for a week.”

“There's nothing to discuss. OK, no, there is a lot to discuss. But this is going to take time. I need your support, Sam; I need to know that you have my back.”

“Of course I have your back. Man, I had your back in hell…don’t you ever think I don’t have it here. I'm just concerned and I'm expressing it.”

“I think Hotch is right. I know I’ll be happy when he's back with his family and I can charge some yuppies an exorbitant rent to live here.” Derek smirked. “But we all have to get to our safe places and we’re not going to do that in the exact same way.”

“I'm just saying, your kids are still going to be kids when you go back.” Sam said. “They're still gonna drive you crazy.”

“Yes, and I'm hoping that this work I'm doing with Dr. Strauss gets me to the point where my temper is back to where it was before I left for Iraq the first time. I want it back to a place where I never even contemplate shoving my children as a form of discipline. I've been on the other side of that shove; it’s not fun.”

“Anger management is a bitch.” Morgan replied. “I know of what you speak.”

“What are you doing to get back to your safe place?” Sam asked him.

“Penelope has me on hug therapy, which I might add kinda drives me crazy. That’s my baby girl though and she means well so I just go with it. You’d be surprised to know how well it can work. I'm on a diet of two healthy hugs a day; morning and evening. I work out, I fix my houses and my cars, I meditate.”

“You meditate?” Hotch raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Morgan nodded. “Remember when I was dating Tamara?”

“It was 100 years ago but I actually do.”

“She was into yoga and Buddhism and all kinds of Eastern philosophies. After her brother was murdered and she didn’t know how to channel her feelings and anger, she really got into it. She said therapy wasn’t working for her, and I feel that, it’s not for everyone. But meditation is good for me. You should look into some Eastern therapies, Kassmeyer, for pain and such.”

“I actually have. I get acupuncture twice a month.” Sam replied.

“You do?” Hotch asked. “How come I didn’t know that?”

“I don't know.” Sam shrugged.

“Therapy isn’t the be all, end all.” Morgan said. “Strauss gets much praise from her colleagues and from soldiers so at least she's one of the best. But you’ve got to integrate other things into your life that benefit your well being. There’s swimming, running, yoga, cooking, writing…you have a million choices. Did you know LaMontagne took up darts? JJ’s influence I'm sure. But he says it really calms him.”

“I think I need to take it one activity at a time.” Hotch said. “I do appreciate you guys being helpful; I can hardly express it. But its gonna take a little bit of time for me to figure out just what's for me and what's not. I'm willing to do the work it’s just gonna take some time.”

“Well at least you have it.” Morgan replied. “We made it home and a lot of our comrades didn’t. We’re back for a reason…we gotta do this right.”

Sam and Hotch both nodded. They were all grateful for being back home with their family and friends. Soon they would return to work and the pressures of everyday life would push the horrors of war onto the backburner. That was their hope anyway. Their time as soldiers was over but their time at home had to begin all over again.

It wasn’t going to be easy. Next week a group from their platoon were meeting up for barbecue and beer at Prophet’s place. None of the three men in that living room knew what to expect when they got there. But they were going. They knew that the best way to move on with life was to integrate all the pieces back into one man. That was going to be difficult for all of them, though the levels varied based on the Marine.

“I think the loveseat should go over there.” Hotch said, wanting to think about something else, even for a few minutes. “Jack loves looking out the window on rainy days.”

“Kassmeyer, it’s your turn to do some heavy lifting.” Derek replied.

They all laughed as Sam gave him a friendly punch in the arm. It was time to get back to business.

***

“Celery, carrots, onions, apples, spinach, and arugula.” Emily said, dropping all the items into the cart.

“Thank you; you're a wonderful helper.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

“Why?” Jason asked. “Are you feeling immense guilt for volunteering me for this thing?”

“Jason, you're an amazing cook.” Emily reasoned.

“Thank you.” he nodded.

“And I think everyone should be able to benefit from that. It’s important that colleagues get together from time to time and enjoy each other’s company.”

“I can barely fit four people into my apartment. You’ve invited six.”

“Seven. And that’s all the better to be close and keep the conversation going.” Emily replied.

“You're up to something.” Jason eyed her suspiciously as he made his way around the supermarket.

Classes started next week; Jason was having a dinner party on Thursday evening for some of the professors in his department. The party wasn’t his idea; it was Emily’s. He wanted to know what she was up to. He knew she was doing all she could to keep busy since she separated from her husband. But why was he suddenly throwing a dinner party?

“I have no idea what you're talking about.” She walked beside him.

“Wear that innocent face all you want, Katya. I know you well.”

“I'm just trying to get people together for a nice dinner. There's no crime in that.”

“Mmm hmm.” He grabbed a bag of croutons from the shelf. “You wanna tell me how you're doing?”

“I'm fine.” Emily replied. “I know that’s a stock answer but its true. I'm preparing for the Advanced Research Design seminar and the Arabic 102 course I'm teaching next semester. Things are going well with my dissertation, as you know. I’m right where I want to be for my third year. I want to be finished by next spring.”

“I'm impressed with your research so far. Hey, are you throwing this dinner party to get chummier with the professors?”

“All the professors love me, Jason. And I'm not throwing the dinner party…you are.” She smiled.

“How's Aaron?”

“He's doing well. He had the kids on Saturday at his new place. They had a good time and I was really happy they could spend the whole day together. They're in Disney World with my parents this week.”

“Is the road to reconciliation running smoother?” Jason asked.

“Yeah, but he’s still more comfortable right now at Derek’s place. It’s a temporary thing but I don’t know how temporary the temporary’s going to be. I want to ask, desperately, but I know we both need this time. We’re doing it for each other.”

“So why are you doing this dinner party for me?”

“Cuz I adore you.” she rustled his hair.

“The feeling is mutual…don’t ever do that again.”

Emily laughed, placing a soft hand on his shoulder.

“I heard something a couple of weeks ago and I'm wondering if its true.” she said.

“Who did you hear it from and what is it?” Jason asked.

“Well…the who probably isn’t important. But the what is that you went on a date with Nora Bennett. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Who told you that?” Jason stopped his cart right in the middle of the aisle and turned to look at her.

“I told you the who was not important, Jason.”

“I’d like to know who’s spreading rumors about me.”

“So it’s not true?” Emily asked.

“It’s…it’s not ‘not’ true.” he said. “But why would someone tell you and why…Emily?”

“What?”

“You're matchmaking, aren’t you? You’re trying to see if Nora and I are compatible.”

“I am not.” She shook her head.

“I should hold a mirror up to your face. You know you can actually pull off the completely innocent look with little effort.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” she asked, turning the subject away from herself. “You didn’t have to keep it from me Jason. I would be happy for you.”

“I didn’t purposely keep it from you.” he replied, which was a half-truth. “It was just a movie. The Classics Theater is Bethesda was showing _The Three Faces of Eve_.”

“Did you ask her or did she ask you?”

“It was kind of a mutual asking thing.”

“That’s impossible; nothing like that exists.”

“Why not?”

“Because I said so. Did you ask her or did she ask you?”

“How about this, you tell me if you're matchmaking and I’ll tell you who asked who.”

“We’ll say it at the same time.” Emily said.

“Fine; on three. 1, 2, 3…I asked.”

“I am.” She said at the same time.

“I don’t like you doing that.” he said.

“Fine, we’ll just call it what it is then. It’s a dinner party for colleagues before the start of another semester.”

“That’s not what it is.” He moved the cart along, grabbing some olive oil. “Why are you doing this?”

“I just want you to be happy.” She said.

“I am happy.”

“Yes, but I don’t want you to be alone Jason.”

“I enjoy being alone.”

“No one enjoys all the aspects of being alone.”

“Are you talking about sex?” he asked.

“That’s surely not all I'm talking about. I'm talking about companionship, intimacy, affection, and fun…just to name a few things. You are so amazing; you need to share that with someone.”

“And now that Aaron’s back you want to make sure I don’t transfer feelings onto you that I shouldn’t.” Jason replied. “Not that I'm profiling you.”

“I'm looking out for you; friends look out for each other. Nora is an amazing woman. She’s brilliant, attractive, and funny; students love her. All I'm saying is it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for you two to spend time together. You’re never going to find me forcing feelings that aren’t there, Jason. I'm just looking out for you. Are you upset with me?”

“No.”

“That doesn’t sound very convincing.” Emily said.

“Well that’s all I have. I'm not mad at you, Katya. Your buttinsky ways have always been adorable. I happen to think all of those things about Nora as well. We had a lovely time at the movies and will probably see each other again this weekend. And of course we’ll see each other Thursday night.”

“No thanks needed.” She smiled.

“Don’t push it.”

***

“Let’s talk about your health right now, Aaron.”

Erin leaned back in her chair, rectangle glasses resting on the bridge of her nose. This was her seventh visit with him and progress had been made. He was still a challenge, probably always would be, but Erin could see that he wanted to get better. He wanted to be better for himself, his wife, and his family. Aaron Hotchner wasn’t afraid of hard work and eventually taking a really hard look at himself.

Sometimes Erin had to pull things out of him with forceps. She also still faced plenty of brick walls. She never backed down from a challenge and neither did her patient. While it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, it would be worth it.

They would work together to get him to where he wanted to be. Or he would walk away next week after she declared him fit for reintegration. Erin couldn’t be sure which way it would go. All she could say was that she liked the progress he’d made thus far. If Aaron did too, which she sensed he did, their work together wasn’t finished.

“I'm not dying, which I can appreciate.” He replied. “I didn’t survive three tours of duty to come home and just drop. The doctors diagnosed me with exhaustion and low blood sugar, but you knew that already. I have pills to help me sleep at night, I'm seeing a nutritionist, and I've been talking to a good friend of mine about yoga. I don’t know about yoga though, I think bicycling might be better for me. And its something I can do with my kids.”

“Jack and Sabrina are still in Disney World, right?”

“Yeah, they're coming home on Sunday. I spent the whole day with them before they left. It felt really good to just be dad. I know it won't always be that easy but it’s important for me to ease into the role by keeping them whole days and eventually nights.”

“Nights alone?” Erin asked.

“Yes.” Hotch nodded.

“How long do you plan to stay separated from Emily?”

“That’s a tough question. I want to go home now but I'm not sure I'm ready. On the other hand maybe I'm just hiding. How can I be sure which is which? She starts classes next week and I'm going back to the FBI hopefully sometime in September so that’s more pressure because of the travel requirements for the job.”

“Have you thought about a transfer?” Erin asked. “Another position might not be as adventurous but it would bring you home at night. You’ve been gone for five years, do you think it’s a good plan to leave again.”

“I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about a lot of things. I'm still in the thinking about it stage. Is there a timeline on that?”

“No.” she shook her head. “Your comfort is what's most important.”

“Well I'm not sure my comfort is with chasing demons anymore.” Aaron replied. “I can't say I've enjoyed every moment in the BAU but it’s a fulfilling job. Still, there's nothing wrong with moving on. Derek Morgan would definitely get the Unit Chief position if I step down. I'm only 44 years old so I know I have more fight in me. I just don’t know if I want to use it all up on the worse of the worse. Some of it is for me and the people I love.”

“I can totally understand that.”

“I have some time to think about it though.” he ran his hand over his face. “I'm not sure I need to add anything else to the list of things to think about.”

“It gets longer and longer; things come off…and then it grows again. It’s the cycle of life, Aaron.”

“I know.” Hotch sighed. “I have some good news though.”

“Oh, do tell.”

“Emily and I are going on a date tomorrow evening. I hardly want to admit it but I'm nervous.”

“Where are you two going?” Erin asked.

“Jason Gideon is having a dinner party for some of the professors in their department. She’s helping to plan it so she invited me.”

“You're finally going to meet Jason Gideon? How does that make you feel?”

“It’s only fair since Emily met Megan. I know I shouldn’t compare the two but…”

“Wait, you never told me that Emily met Megan.”

“I didn’t?”

“I would've remembered that Aaron, believe me. What were the circumstances behind a meeting of that nature?” Erin asked.

“When I was in the hospital, Megan came to see me. She left for a year of business in London and didn’t want to go without saying goodbye. Apparently she and Emily ran into each other in the hallway.”

“Did they talk?” Erin wrote something down in the file on her lap. She saw the look on Hotch’s face. “This is your personal file, Aaron, not your military file. That’s the truth. Did Emily talk to Megan?”

“She told me that she did. She didn’t disclose all of their conversation but we’ve moved past it. I need to move past my issue with Jason. I know I was being a hypocrite; making Emily into a bad guy because I felt so guilty about what I'd done. So we’re going together tomorrow night and I promised not to be an asshole.”

“Is this your first date since the separation?”

“Yeah.” he nodded. “We were together for Jack’s fifth birthday party last week at Pizza Pete’s. I liked that; it almost felt like old times. But I hope we have better times to come. I don’t want to focus on old times. Living too much in the past doesn’t benefit anyone.”

“Old times were good though?” Erin asked.

“They were very good. I've always been in love with my wife. I fell in love with her on our fourth date and we celebrated our seventh anniversary in May. But I think the future holds even more for us; I hope.”

“A date tomorrow is a very good thing. I also think putting both Jason and Megan in the boxes they belong will be better for your relationship. You’ve got one more visit next week and then…”

“How much do you charge an hour, ma'am?” Hotch asked.

“An exorbitant fee, some of which may be covered by your above average federal employee medical coverage.” She replied, giving him one of the few smiles he’d seen in seven weeks.

“I think I can handle whatever the bill comes to at the end of the day. I know I have a long way to go, though I don’t want to make light of how I'm doing so far. I think it would be silly to start all over again with someone else. I also know that you’re one of the best and you specialize in both trauma and military personnel. Not to mention that you don’t mind kicking my ass and I need someone like that. If I'm going to continue, I’d like to continue with you, Dr. Strauss.”

“If that’s what you want then you have my support. I can tell that there are places you don’t want to go with your therapy and I respect that, Aaron. But if I can help you get to a place where you’re able to return to your loved ones and live your life in a healthy, happy way, my job will be a success. Now in our last 15 minutes or so, I want to discuss how you plan to interact with Jason Gideon for your first meeting. Tell me the definition of not being an asshole.”

***

“Ta-da.” Hotch came out of the back door, sat down on the top step, and handed his wife the beer bottle. “I got that good shit, baby.”

“What?” Emily asked, laughing as she took it from him.

“It’s just something Morgan used to say. He still says it actually. It would be a long day, geared up, doing security checks from here to Sunday. We’d be back at the barracks, exhausted, and Morgan would always bring the cold beer. It was never the good kind…it’d be Michelob or something. I got that good shit baby just became our mantra for mediocrity.”

“I like that.” she smiled. It was the first story he’d ever told her about his time away. “Though I have to say I've known you a long time and I've never known you to enjoy the High Life.” Emily held up her bottle of Miller.

“Blame Prophet.” Hotch replied. “Sam and I started a poker night; a way for some of the old dogs to let off steam in a healthy way.”

“Old dogs?” Emily looked at him as she sipped her beer.

“Yeah. You know one of the names for Marines is Devil Dogs, right? There were a lot of older guys in our platoon…the pups started calling us old dogs. We wore the name with pride.”

“I'm sensing a new tattoo coming.”

“Perhaps.” Hotch shrugged. “Anyway, poker night is every other Thursday here and then at Sam’s place. This week Prophet brought the High Life. One thing I learned after five years deployed is that you never look a free beer in the mouth.”

“I definitely agree.”

They were quiet for a while, just drinking and relaxing. The little radio on the porch played Hotch’s favorite oldies station; The Cars sang _My Best Friend’s Girl_. Jack and Sabrina were playing in the yard; they danced and threw their favorite ball around. It was the most peaceful Hotch felt in a long time. A part of him wanted to say so aloud but feared jinxing it. Instead he just breathed. The sweet, powdery scent of his wife’s skin calmed his soul.

“The kids will probably want chicken for dinner.” Emily said. “I swear all they ever want is chicken…or pizza.”

“I've got some grilled chicken in the fridge. I can heat it up; throw some barbecue sauce on it for extra flavor. I've got some tater tots and broccoli too.”

“That'll be perfect for them. What will we eat?”

“If it’s anything too good it’s bound to make them jealous.” Hotch replied. “I don’t want to cause any friction.”

“If we can hold out, we’ll wait until we put them to bed and order a pizza.” Emily said. “If they don’t see it then they can't be jealous.”

“Um…huh?” Hotch stopped before the beer bottle got to his lips. “I'm sorry, what did you say?”

“I think you're ready, Aaron, to keep the kids overnight. Tomorrow is Sunday and I know nothing would make them happier than breakfast with Daddy. I'm sure you're nervous; I get that. Don’t worry, you won't be alone.”

“I won't?”

“No.” she shook her head as she looked at him. “I’ll be here too…if that’s OK.”

“It’s…” Hotch stopped. He needed to run everything that was said through his head again. The last thing they needed was a misunderstanding. “You want to spend the night here with me?”

“Yes. I want to be a family tonight. I know we’re always a family but this would make the kids really happy. It would make me happy too.”

“Me too.” Hotch nodded. “Should I…I’ll sleep on the couch if you want. It’s actually almost comfortable. I don’t want to push you before…”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” She replied, taking his hand and lacing her fingers through his.

Emily felt Hotch tremble and she did the same. It had been so long since they shared space; forever since they shared a bed. She didn’t know what would happen tonight but she planned to hold her husband while she slept. It was time for Emily to be assertive.

She didn’t need to be aggressive, assertive was fine. Hotch was being overly cautious. She understood that but he needed a little push. It would be a gentle push but she was going to do it anyway.

“OK.” He replied, holding her hand just a little tighter.

“Nine days until his big day.” Emily said, focusing on their children again. “Jack is so excited; he’s bouncing off the walls. He fills Pop-Pop’s ear all day talking about big kid school.”

“I can hardly believe that he's starting kindergarten.” Hotch said. “I feel like I missed his entire childhood.”

“You missed things; we both did. School kept me busy and I wasn’t always there. I think what's important is that we’ll be there for this milestone. And we’ll be there together.”

“I love you, Emily.”

“I love you too.”

She looked at him wearing a happy smile. Then she kissed him. Emily liked it so much she did it again. The third time Hotch deepened the kiss and wrapped his arms around her.

“Mommy and Daddy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Jack sang. He also did a little dance that made his sister giggle.

“Where’d you learn that song, buddy?” Hotch asked, still holding his wife close.

“At the park.”

“Well sing it again, would you?”

“OK. Mommy and Daddy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

While Jack sang, Hotch kissed his wife. Emily smiled against his lips. She feared once that the feelings inside of her, passion and longing, may have been extinguished. It had been so long since she felt them in Hotch’s presence; in his arms. When he dropped her off after Jason’s dinner party, there was so much tension in the car it was palpable. But Hotch just said goodnight and Emily left the car disappointed. She didn’t want to be disappointed tonight.

“Aaron...” she whispered as their lips slowly came apart.

“Yeah baby?” he ran his thumb over her bottom lip.

“I just wanted to say your name. Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron; I feel like I'm with Aaron right now.”

He wanted to say her name too…he wanted to say it all night. Hotch didn’t want to make everything about sex but the truth was that he ached for his wife. He knew it was a blessing. He’d been numb for so long, Hotch thought he might never feel anything again. Losing his desire for Emily, for everything around him, was a tough pill to swallow.

They hadn't truly been intimate since he returned from Afghanistan. The sex they had early on made them both feel empty. A lot of it was Hotch’s fault but he missed her hugs, her kisses, her skin, and her touch. He didn’t know how he’d gone this long without it.

“I'm here.” He said. “Slowly but surely I'm coming back; I never intend to leave you again.”

Emily took his hand and placed it over her heart. He never left there. She wanted to tell him but it sounded too cheesy. They didn’t need the words anyway. He knew, just like she knew.

“Do you know any other songs, Jack?” Hotch asked.

“I know lots of Garmunkel songs, Daddy.” Jack replied.

“What?”

“Garmunkel songs!” he exclaimed.

“He means Simon and Garfunkel.” Emily said, laughing. “We sang them a lot while you were gone. It made us feel closer to you.”

Hotch smiled, giving her one more kiss. Then he opened his arms for his children.

“C'mon guys, lets go inside and make dinner. We’ll sing some Garmunkel songs.”

“Yay!” Jack grabbed Bree’s hand and they ran across the lawn, up the steps, and into their father’s embrace.

For a moment Hotch thought of his own father and how rarely he was hugged by him growing up. Changes were coming and that was one of them. Hotch would love his children; he would make sure that they knew it everyday. He stood with Bree still in his arms.

Emily stood as well, taking Jack’s hand and her husband’s. The family went inside to make dinner together. It was going to be a good evening. Emily also had a very special night planned.

“You're trembling.” Hotch lowered his voice as he let Emily go to put Bree in her booster seat. “Are you alright?”

“I'm excited.” She replied.

“Why?”

“Why not? You should be too.”

“I should?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Mmm hmm.” Emily nodded.

Hotch looked at her, really looked into her eyes, and he saw it. How could he have missed it? He knew that look and what came after that look. Hotch grinned just thinking about it.

“Are you excited now?” she asked.

“Yeah.” he nodded, still grinning.

Hotch was excited for this evening, tonight, tomorrow, and everyday to follow. No matter what he had to face he knew he’d get through it with Emily at his side. That knowledge gave him the strength of ten men and a happiness he truly thought he’d lost in the desert.  


***


End file.
